I feel like I need to travel the world.
See the world's poor and feel compassion again.

These days, I can't keep other people in my mind for more than a couple of hours.
I do the motions, joining groups, being interested in books, but none of this sets me on fire.

I feel like I need to recentre myself, such as structure the way I am, my identity - to see what I'd like to achieve for the future.
Identity's a big issue. Who am I, and is what I'm doing/thinking/feeling reflecting that?

I watched "Shake Hands with the Devil"
and I was just so moved. A great work, displaying the courage and just amazing moral character of General Romeo Dallaire during the Rwandan Genocide.

I was so shocked that he cared so much for the 'innocents'.

I feel like I've given up. Though in conversations with others, I retain an optimistic and progressive view of the world, that things, with the application of effort into smart initiatives, will get better.
But deep down, I feel those smart initiatives are too few. I believe that the effort will not be enough.
And that the people to respond will not respond.

Everyday I walk with this burden in my heart, that no change will occur. Then it becomes a why bother.

Perhaps it's my own lack of intelligence - or rather ability to think of these initiatives myself...
I'm currently in a group trying to promote the rights of North Korean refugees in Canada and abroad.

I have decent plans for this.
The people around me though, I am not sure whether they value organization and applying strategy to our efforts.
Like, they don't want posters, they don't want to go on the street and talk to people, they don't know which groups to contact,
everything seems automatic to them, while I only see hardwork ahead of us.

And yet, I feel like I should then try and take a leadership position.
But I detest it. I can't. I faintly see the outlines of plans forming, but I can never pull them into the concrete and workable. There always seems to be too much ground to cover.
I don't believe in my own ablity to lead them. I always feel my position is better as adviser than actual at the front delegating tasks.
It just goes deep down to my lack of faith in my own vision and know-how.

..

Anyway as I said, I feel like I need to travel the world, to give me the passion again. And the experience to enrich me with know how.

Man, so the life situation is getting better than ever.

Who knew I would love the working world?

Well, it's not that I LOVE my work place, I enjoy it for the most part... but the parts that get to me most are accomplishing something daily, having no homework, and with having no homework - being able to devote to friends, family, and other joys.

Oh that and being in Toronto.
I realize... I need to live in a city of at least 2 million.
At least!

But ya I love the luxury of having extra cash. Not that I make so much. But today I got to take out my family for food and a little bit of drinking and it was really good.
I think I'll make it a bi-monthly thing.
I was getting tired of retail therapy anyway.
It's true. I've tried to be fashionable, and it lasted a good week of non-stop shopping, but really there's only so much you need.

Like the gains from the first few items were great - I was just like whopee, I want to buy everything. But after awhile, the feeling I got lessened - decreasing returns-to-scale in a dramatic way.

And it's not like I'm restrained by this feeling of guilt, I just don't have a strong interest in clothes.
I want to look comfortably pretty, not stunning or impecable.
Just not something I aim for. (unless of course, it's a special occasion... I'm dressing up more)

Which reminds me - guys only pick me up when I'm with my friends. And this is not because they are picking up my friends and I'm just there. I think that guys are attracted by me in motion.

It's true, when I'm just standing still - I can't say I'm gorgeous. I probably look tired with my slightly downward slanting eyes and unfeminine jaw line.

But when I get animated and start smiling, well I guess that's my strong point when it comes to guys. Guys aren't actually completely vain.
I just thought that was a neat thing.

Do I wish I were prettier? Of course. I could tell you just what I don't like about me, and I quip to Xiaodi that I'd like to get surgery.
But for the most part, I'm happy with what I've been given and strive to gently refine my looks, my brains, and my spirit (oh and my health).
And yes, here in Toronto, it's all happening. Oh yea.

I keep forgetting to blog.
Well how are we here. I've had a 360 from the last time I've blogged.
Had a nasty client who told me that she "doesn't have time for me" and abruptly hung up.
This is what happened.
She, the office manager of a law firm, is supposed to enter some information, and send it to me. Somehow she sent me the wrong information.
As I read it back to her, she got angry thinking that I had gotten it wrong. Of course, at that point, I wasn't sure that she was the one who had made the mistake.
I told her I'd call her back once I'd figured everything out.

I get someone to call her back - and we find that she has to uninstall some program - and they direct her to me! I am not responsible for uninstalling of programs, tech support is, but I still get the call dumped on me.
So as I talk to her, I am hesitating to talk - and then she yelled at me and hung up.

I was so angry. Honestly, I wanted to tell her she must be mad at the world because she was born an idiot, and she's taking her anger out on me - who was trying to help her.
But of course, I didn't. In the end I calmed down but geez, the nerve of some people.
I'm thinking I'm gonna come out of the working world with some thicker skin.
It'll be good for me.

I did talk to the sweetest person - calling from Washington University law school - top 10 law school - and man this woman was just so enthusiastic and nice. School admin == love their job, Office manager of a law firm == not so much love their job? It was a good note to end the day.

In the meantime, I have to do things I love - so I checked out 'eastern promises' with my friend. Let me just say now, I love Viggo Mortenson! Or however you spell his name. But wow... that was some sexy character he portrayed.
I'm going to go on a retreat this weekend, involved with raising awareness for North Korea. I'll tell you how that goes.
See ya.

So I missed blogging yesterday
but I had a very bad day yesterday.

As it happens, after work - I am completely drained. I cannot care properly about anything for 2 hours after work. That I must give my attention to small details for 8 hours (sometimes more because I want to make a good impression), just completely drains me.
I don't know if all workers feel like this - or it is just the consequences of a bad fit for the job.
I'm beginning to be wary of becoming a lawyer.

Anyway, so I'm drained, a bit cranky.
I went to the mall to wait for Xiaodi, and I went to Zara to try on a skirt for work.
There, waiting in line - it came to my turn. There was a room free - but the people who worked there weren't paying attention and kept folding their clothes for some time.
I was getting impatient and finally interrupted them and said 'can I go into that room'?
And the girl just said 'no you can't' in a hostile voice. And then her friend/co-worker began to laugh.

I was friggin mortified. I flung the skirt on their pile and I left.
How... could their service be so bad? How could she just snap at that? How could the other laugh? It was just so beyond unprofessional - it was just... I don't know what to say.
And at the worst time. If I had not just gotten off 9 hours of work, I could have handled it better. But at this stage I was just angered, frozen and in the end just miserably depressed at the world.

And I thought - is this what work is creating in us?
For me it was stress and fragility
for her it was creating her to be the biggest bitch (she should really be fired, and perhaps it would be best for her).

I really would like to know - is this how all working people feel?

I guess blogging's short term revival has sort of well.... needed some kind of shock jolt. So I shall attempt to blog everyday. You know, writing a journal is good for your well-being.

Well, I'm like really wanting to go somewhere.
No, and really it's not because I hate this place.
It's more that I have a thirst for engaging experience, exploration, and give me another word that starts with an e. To embrace energizing environments...

something like that.

It's much more an approach model than an avoidance one - which I mean is my motivation.
Those who approach go towards goals - to gain positive experience. Those who avoid go away from punishing or punishing situations.
Many times in life there is usually a mix of these motivations in any decision, but people tend to have orientations.
Behavioural-inhibitory system (BIS)- avoidance patterns
and behavioural-activation system (BAS) - appetitive patterns
Any psych majors in the house?

Anyway, this was a slight digression to the point that I want to travel for the sake of enjoying myself.
My job is alright, my coworkers are nice, and my family situation is getting better. It's a gentle slope up.
But it's also made me aware of previous fallacies of thought - such as the weight I'd put on the importance of job and the corresponding lack of weight I'd put on the importance of simple and deep enjoyments.
Of good conversation, music, food, and art.
Discovering this I'd also found the fallacy of believing my super emotionality as a flaw.
I mean this learning experience is just SO rewarding in itself, but I'm really discovering the world is at my fingers - and I have the right to enjoy.

-

I want to go to Iceland, Europe (Ok, Iceland's part of europe, but it's not on the continent ya know?), India, South America.
Which is a problem - because Xiaodi wants to go see Asia, in which I'm not so impressed.

--

Even though I'm like falling in love with the world again and rediscovering opportunities, it's just a bit funny that I'm working in a job for which I am overqualified and yet underpaid and understimulated.
But it has good lessons in itself. For example, I realized that I'd had a long standing complex - feeling not... like I could be accepted in an office environment. This is proving to me that an office/corporate experience is not half as daunting as I'd thought it would be.
I also had a bit of an anxiety problem before this job, and a corresponding social anxiety. This has helped me (along with the doctrine of just enjoying life) to get over my fears.
Finally I'm getting up early, learning to be more organized... things that I needed to get in my life right away.

The pay isn't that bad - but we'll see.

----

I think one thing is - I'm just so happy to be out of Waterloo. The whole homework thing hanging over your head, the ugly area, the lack of family life around the area (a pure university town), and the lack of just the great things about urban life.
Ya, homework - something you have to worry about all the time - is just not fun is it?
I like how you can work and just relax.

---

Anyway, when I talk to conservatives, 2 have told me that I've articulated the liberal's point of view better than anyone they've encountered. While this is flattering - I am worried about the state of political arguments today.
I think a lot of liberals - generally have good intentions - but aren't very... thoughtful about the whole thing. They take their doctrines for granted - as fundamental truths - that do not need explanation, only exasperation at attempts to argue it. Hey, I was like this too. I find that a lot were indoctrinated in high schools by left-wing school teachers - and these views were taken as fact.
I'd actually avoided the title of liberal because well - I don't want to be stuck in doctrine.
Anyway, I've come to my beliefs and arguments now, from what I can say are more intelligent 'liberals' than I am. So, I'm actually quite disappointed that there seems to be this divide, in which there is little exposure to ideas that oppose one's own) It's a shame that conservatives and liberals don't get more meetings of the mind.

Anyway, that's my rant for now. I hope to write more tomorrow.

Some say it's a gift... no, it's a curse!

So I'm really good at determining - from your behaviour - your family circumstances.

Within minutes of meeting people I'll start saying:
Hey, by chance, are you a youngest child?
Um, is there any way that your parents came to Canada at a young age?

I make these 'educated' guesses based on people I knew before - and take into consideration things like the way they speak (HUGE) and gesture, and just the overall aura of a person...

But perhaps the flipside of this is that I'm so busy trying to figure the individual out, I get to enjoy them less, and well that just hinders my ability to interact naturally with them.

And in the end, it's not cool to feel like you've got someone figured out.

And I'd like to say that I don't pigeon-hole people...
and indeed there are these great transformations that can take hold of someone, or more commonly people just act differently in different situations. But from a combination of an inclination to generalize and a general disinclination to expend energy to actually find hidden details about a person - well, the person is then categorized. Their file is stored away in my brain.
And what more could happen except to be unnaturally bound to certain roles... which grow stagnant and etc as we are after all, beautiful changers.

So though it seems like a cool trick demonstrating uncanny ability (not unlike the person who can guess your age and weight accurately), in the end, it's truly a hinderance to meaningful interaction.

The true gift would be bringing out the best in everyone. It employs intuition, empathy and energy, and perhaps even luck.

Anyway, I'm trying to break out of this - but how?

So today I learnt what "to not see the wood for the trees" meant.

And damn, it's a good expression, that's all I can say.

Fathers

I feel bad for people who've grown up with estranged from their fathers - either physically or more commonly, emotionally. And there seems to be a larger number than I'd thought (especially among Koreans) who seem to have a distant father. Somehow these men spent 20 years of their child's life acting as if they had no role but to provide money and perhaps punishment had the child misbehaved. (I'm not talking about fathers who are out of the picture, that is another sensitive topic that perhaps we can explore a bit later)

But in the end, our relationship with our parents have a HUGE influence into how we see the world.

Is our world a positive and encouraging place?
Can I get help from the world when I need it?

Do people really care about me no matter what I do?

Can I really trust people?
Etc.

And ya, I do see how it affects people. My boyfriend, though he may have the occasional spat with his father, has the benefit of a father who wants to be in his life. One who enjoys talking to him and enjoys teaching him and quizzing him, etc. The father isn't afraid to be part of his life, he really, in his own way, tries to be there. And I think that produced a certain confidence in my boyfriend, though he'll probably disagree.

But my father, he hesitates. I know he loves me very very much, but on the other hand I feel as though he's almost scared to be in my life. Scared to tell me his thoughts and feelings and what not. Perhaps fearing that I will look upon his thoughts with disdain. Why this happened would be a long story (I have hypothesized why and ya let's just say a sequence of events). But I see that he too suffered from a present yet distant father, who never really gave my father support.

I can see that he's attempting to try. Today he bought me ice cream, he encouraged me about the interview, we talked at length about politics and Jews and America. But it still breaks my heart in a way because, well, you can see that he's expecting to be judged negatively by his own daughter.

How I want him to openly express all this without... fear and insecurity. How I wish he'd be more forceful more like those fathers in the movies, or at least the father of my friends...

but ya as the serenity prayer says, Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things that I can't change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

It really hurts me because I really want to look up to him. He used to be such a fierce figure.

That's what happens to a lot of fierce figures. My dad is 60 now.

I think after 50-55 a lot of these 'fierce figures' turn into softies.

It really... well it really shook me up. My pillar of strength, so dominant and stubborn, now just... well... I don't know what he is.

I was watching the "Perfect spy" some BBC series. And this one guy who had a father who was a con artist.

And he watched his father ruin the lives of innocent people. His father got hugely rich off the church and off of poor families, sending men into debt then suicide etc. And you can see that the boy is torn between loving his father and hating the man that ultimately destroys the lives of others.

Later on, he meets with his father - and his father, having hit a number of rough patches, asks his son for money. And he uses one of his lines he'd always used, on the son. The son looks at him, while the father sheepishly smiles, trying to retain his composure as a father, all the while his eyes glisten with the tears he's trying to fight back.

It was just heartwrenchingly painful... to see this man who had really fallen so far from his powerful position.

And later on the son talks to his wife...
and she was like "who was that?"
and he's like "no one... someone I knew from the past. He was a tiger then. But now he's just a ghost..."

And I knew that feeling. (even though of course, we had very different circumstances, my father is still an upright man).

I'd have to say that, while not as dramatic as in the 'perfect spy', many of our relationships with our fathers is just complicated...

I don't know what to do with this information.

But perhaps we can take solace that this isn't just happening to us, its to most of us. And to know that really no matter what our fathers really love us. And that is the starting point, isn't it?

My expectations must and will change. And to some extent, he'll try to adapt. That's the only hope.

I'm sorry if I can't end off too happy. It's a really sensitive issue for me and well a hard one for me to deal with...

New found spirituality

I haven't wrote in awhile,

Can't say that much has happened
but after reading "Eat, pray, love" I'm seriously considering finding a spiritual teacher.
The whole idea of spirituality without a religion just seemed so flaky to me, something that aging hippie women bought into after some sort of trauma, so after I fell away from my religion I did not bother seeking anything out to substitute for my loss of meaning. Instead I fell into this part-scientific part-apathetic thinking about my soul.
Which is to say, I didn't really believe in a soul.
Instead, I would do things for my own 'preservation', set myself up to win earthly goods and really not knowing why I was here, except as a product of random interactions...

But this book opened up the need that all humans have to find... the divine.
It mentions the ties that bind all the devout in this world - the way they try to find connection with this higher being, the way in which all of them strive to reach a stage in which they feel a 'heavenly love' unlike any love experienced before, the emphasis on different spiritual energies one can possess...

So little by little, I'm finding and creating meaning. I am still confused - am I going for the feeling and its positive added value to my life? Or do I actually want to meet up with God?
Do I see this more as a solution to my earthly problems, or is it the end goal?
And I guess we'll see what develops.
...

Here are my basics:
To see with the eye of the heart (to take in things, not with your eyes which leads to shallow judgements, but with the heart which sees beyond- and things are much more beautiful this way).
Also 'the kingdom of God is within you' (not necessarily the book by Tolstoy, but the idea that whatever God is, it exists deep down inside of you - which can be realized or ignored. Whatever you want can spring from within you - though not being from YOU, but from something that is connected to everything in this world)

this as far as I am.
I'm not even sure if I believe God to exactly be this holiest of holy male figure who is the creator of this universe.
At this point, it's more of a God is goodness, a beautiful and pure goodness...
But it's form, I don't know. Can I pray to it? Or do I pray for it to come. Is it a being or feeling/understanding.
...

Anyway, I'm just at the beginning... we'll see what happens!

Deliberately insensitive

There seems to be growing numbers of those who pride themselves to be unfeeling and callous...

I am currently recoiling from my unnerving experience yesterday
I was prepared to work with boring people, the politically incorrect, etc
but nothing could have prepared me for my partner

I tried to ask him what major he was in
and then he hostilely responded "why do I always have to answer these awkward questions during walksafe shifts? I don't even know you"
I tried to state that this was a process of getting to know each other
and he replied that he doesn't want to, he would never meet me again, I have no right to know and thus the conversation would be pointless.
I was completely appalled - if he doesn't feel like talking, he can just keep to himself, but his spewing seemed so defensive and worse still vainglorious.
I got this feeling that he thought he was oh-so-clever for coming up with such a line, for his flexibility and creativity of thought, his greatness that transcended my herd-like mind.
I tried to rationally argue my point, and when I'd say something to get more out of him, he would shrug.
I couldn't take it anymore and stopped talking to him completely.

finally 3 hours later, I tried again.
We'd walked a girl home, whose gentle brightness was just so refreshing. I'd quipped to him that she was probably my favourite walk.
Then he looked up at the building and said, 'that's pretty high to fall from'
And I said "well you couldn't die from it"
and he said "ya, someone did."
and silence...

He had no charm, just a dark repressed aura surrounding him, you could see it from under his cap. His feet clunked dully against the ground, while he would blankly take out his phone and stare at it. He had glistening blue eyes and I thought what a waste of beauty, on this twisted character.
Conversely, I thought he'd probably been hurt as a child and tried to take a bit of sympathy, but yet...
his need to make me uncomfortable just repulsed me and overcame any positive emotion I could muster.

I've met a couple of people, especially men, who are like this. They've been rejected one time too often. They feel that inspiring discomfort in your heart is equal to power. Well it's not power.
Acting like an ass doesn't make me like you, respect you, or even fear you. You are not the fucking Prince.
....

I shouldn't let it get to me, but honestly, everyday I meet a person more f*cked up then the next. Is this what it is to be sheltered?