My time as a student

First year:

I started Waterloo as a young girl, hoping to meet like-minded peoples, who loved music, books, and going out. Instead, I met a group of engineers and mathies who loved to party... it was good times, but like-minded people I found none.

Academically, in my first term, I really kicked-ass in math. I got 80's and 90's. I actually cried in front of my algebra professor when I had gotten an 80 on my exam. Yes, I was one of those kids.
The second term, I took a philosophy course which blew my mind. It also blew my grades, as I'd gotten in touch with this deeper metaphysical side - and laid aside my need to do well in my courses. I'd actually gotten 50's in all my math courses.
After that, my knack for math could never be revived. I'd continuously struggle with 70's in math courses from there.

Anyway, first year was where all the action was at. I'd had mad crushes on 3 guys, made out with two of them, had tons of friends, and had tons of guys telling me they liked me. You could say I'd had it made... but deep down I'm sensitive. All this really took a toll on me. I dislike rejection on both sides... (if you can tell, I've almost stopped flirting completely)

I'll talk about the crush that I never got. Because those are always more fun to talk about aren't they? His nickname was Jesus. He had been a leader of the Korean Campus Crusade for Christ. He was a principled character, devoted to God. Gave his first paycheck to the church, second to his parents, and third he split among his friends. He'd never had a girlfriend and was waiting for 'the one'...
Through a friend, I'd finally gotten to meet him. We gathered to eat pizza at the library (in which I'd lived... yes I'd actually bring my toothbrush during exam times). Seeing us and the pizza, he dropped to his knees, and his hand grazed my knee (causing my heart to skip a beat). Why he did this I don't know. I asked him something, and he blushed. He made jokes, and he exclaimed in korean "i am a pencil". I don't know what that meant, but I liked his zany offbeat humour. When I'd see him around campus, I could tell he had a deep inner life. For example, while he was studying, he'd wear his hoodie over his head, deep in thought about his homework. Cliche as it sounds, it seemed to me that he didn't care so much what the average person thought of his behaviour. Now, that is immensely appealing...

Anyway, to sum up first year - it was definitely not what I'd expected. I hadn't met that 'soul-mate' group, but I did find many... guys. I'd basically thrown away my desire to complete math - but I'd try to stick through with it to please my parents.

Second year:

I did decently in my courses - nothing spectacular though. I'd no love for math by then. I'd become depressed after the summer for a variety of reasons.

I lived with one of my old friends and two of her acquaintances. It was not good. I'd been given the smallest room and basically didn't have much to say to them.

By this time, the guys and the friends were gone. I'd basically go to the library, go home... and that was it. The once thriving social life was gone.

I took some arts courses - and I loved them. Psychology was easy and I loved philosophy. I'd told my dad that I wanted to do philosophy - then he told me that females in philosophy don't get married.
And thus, after writing my last stats exam, I'd decided to switch to psychology.

Third year:

I started off fresh in psychology courses. They were incredibly easy compared to math. I'd joined a charity club. Here was my first taste of bureaucracy. Unfortunately, I'd been stuck with some close-minded and ineffective planners... and none of my ideas came to fruition, and instead we relied on selling Cinnabons - in which with 4 hours of work, we'd make $20... I never went back.

I'd become a Christian, and found a group of first years which I'd really enjoyed taking care of. We'd do everything together, walking around campus until 2 in the morning, just joking about.
But the flipside to this was that I'd met some close-minded girls who refused to accept my more liberal interpretations of the bible. They tried to ingrain the idea that hell actually was a pit of fire. Didn't stick, but it sure made me insecure about expressing my real opinions.

My favourite professor is a young idealistic man, who recited poetry and song lyrics in our 'peace and conflicts' class. I am enamoured with his love of life and his knowledge about the cold war. Yet, I noted the shiny wedding band on his finger as he waved his arms talking about russian spies, and I'd subsequently had to abandon my heart's cry.

At this time I was incredibly sensitive and had wished to start fresh and fit in. But the truth would be that I didn't fit in. I couldn't accept this and so I walked on egg-shells making sure that what I'd say would be 'appropriate'. So though I'd gotten on the honour roll this year, I had a miserable time, and at the end developed a panic disorder.

Fourth year:

I was trying to recover from the panic disorder. I tried to find solace in God, which was strange because it was probably meeting people who found solace in God that helped create the panic disorder in the first place.
I moved in with some people from the Korean Christian Fellowship. And we discuss matters. And I start to question it more. I am a bit confused as to why Christianity leads to an anti-Gay position, and why Christians aren't really moved by the plight of the poor.

For example, in asking for donations for charity, many Christians chose not to give because they were 'students'. Funny, because I just saw them eat out at East Side Mario's the night before, but I held my tongue.

I shouldn't have.

I join the World University Services of Canada and Amnesty International. Second taste of bureaucracy. I take a leadership position - and I am incredibly happy. I get to discuss matters with people and am actually working towards helping a refugee come to our school. I get sent to conferences and hold public events. I meet a friend whom was much more adept at practical matters, but loved me and relied on me to make sure that 1) he didn't go crazy 2) he could have good conversations about God and the world. We sometimes butted heads, but ya, man I miss him.

I take a political science class. I love it. I take another one, and I can say that it was the best class I've ever taken. Having been set up in a debate format - it was thrilling to try and come up with a tight argument and response. My group defended the position that Asian values were not relevant to the democratization of Asian countries. Though my marks in political science were not as high, I decide to do a double major. Perhaps the best decision I'd made all university long.

I get my first part-time job in years. Walksafe. I meet a ton of cool people. Realize that it's a job where you literally do nothing for 5 hours. Am slightly upset at the waste of it, but stay silent because this is how I get paid.

Fifth year:

I enjoy thoroughly all my political science classes. I like the people I meet. I stay relatively to myself though. I've become incredibly introverted by this time.
I kick ass in my law class. Think - perhaps I should go this route.

Because of a roommate problem, I develop social anxiety and depression. It's a strange depression though. Because it doesn't have an extreme affective component. There was no sadness, only a dreadful lethargy and a dry well of emotion.

I am part of the UW International Development Student Conference. I enjoy my time there, but start to realize that these bureaucratic environments really do not work for me. There are no perks. We don't get into any intellectual discussions nor even bother feigning congeniality. Instead, there is a strange silence that surrounds our group. Many things remain unsaid - our whole group thought that one of our co-ordinators was incompetent. But no one actually says or does anything about it. Only at the end did people loosen up and talk about their true feelings...

I enjoy the company of the old Walksafe workers, can't seem to find anything interesting to talk about with the new. Meet the first gay guy that I actually really like. His way of speaking really loudly and his long-windedness make me laugh. He's incredibly knowledgeable about politics and generally a very encouraging responsible character... We get along pretty well.

Also meet a modern day communist. Though we disagreed on many points, me angering him a lot for refusing to stick it to the man, we have invigorating discussions. And he's changed my mind on things more than I'd like to admit (though less than he probably wanted).

I hang out with James Pyo and group much more. I feel happy to be in a laid back group that likes to sit at coffee shops and talk about whatever. By this time, my interests and beliefs in Christianity have waned. And it's all good because these people accept that. I watch their astoundingly beautiful act at "darfur". I wasn't aware that I had friends THIS talented. I am proud to be their 'groupie'. Anyway, the 'collegial' spirit among us is actually reminiscent of high school times... probably because most of them are from the same high school, but as I said, it's really nice to be in a group.

I love my eastern european professors. They work on international development and ethnicity issues respectively. Both are nuanced, compassionate, and well they just look SO cute! They are both very open - one tells me about her failed marriage, the other his dying father... In any case, I feel like I can relate to them... and feel that they really liked me. It's nice to be liked.

In the end:

To sum up the years here, it's truly the people that you meet that make it what it is.
I've met some close-minded people (of which I have now a phobia)
and brilliant and warm people, whom I will remember forever...

Anyway, there's a lot to say and sum up but I will leave it at this was definitely a rollercoaster ride in which I've learned from tremendously...

Kosovo: Personal lessons learned

To acquire knowledge, one must study,
but to acquire wisdom , one must observe
- M Savant

(observe AND experience!)

Lately, I've become interested in the United Nation's participation in Kosovo and the treatment of Serbs in an Albanian-dominated Kosovo.
You might have heard about the Kosovo bombings by NATO in 1999, in which Serbs were deemed to be involved in ethnic cleansing of the Albanians. More than 800,000 Albanians fled Kosovo, thousands being killed, wounded, and raped.
Now 8 years later, it is the Serb-minority in Kosovo that is constantly being harassed by local Albanians, with an attempt of 'ethnic cleansing' of the Serbs as recent as 2004.

I've tried to chat about this in an Albanian Facebook group, "Appeal for an independent Kosovo".

And with the little wisdom I had, I tried to engage in a discussion about the Serbs, hoping to generate brainstorming of plans of which to deal with this problem.

What was I thinking?

Their minds were totally consumed by the enormity of pain and damages caused in 1999 and their 'eternal' hatred of Serbians.
I tried to state that they should look out for the Serbians because it would reduce political instability and get greater support from the EU, and thus attract more foreign investments (it was the poorest region in the former Yugoslavia).
I tried to use examples of the politicians that were putting their hatred aside and being hailed by the UN, trying to state that it can and should be done.
All my arguments were to no avail.

Since I'd brought up the Serbs, everything from my information, allegiance, intelligence, and ethnicity was questioned and immediately put down.
They told me that I didn't know anything (despite having read at least 15 different books and articles).
They relied steadfastly on information, of which the reports that I've read contradicted entirely (I attributed this misinformation to the Albanian's notoriously biased reporting).
Then they would make emotional appeals about what happened in 1999 oh the Tragedy!
And then they'd pat themselves on the back. 'Oh Meljos, good job! You put that beautifully.'

I couldn't believe it. I had done the research with an sympathetic eye towards the Albanians for what happened in 1999. But it was all overlooked. I'd been accused of being a Serbian supporter. Effectively, I became disliked by all the Albanian-nationalists, and in turn, my position against them hardened, my sympathies drying up. A rather unpleasant experience.

After complaining to Xiaodi about this rather frigid, actually downright rude reception, he told me that I can't approach emotional experiences like this from an academic perspective.
After looking at my experiences with people (I've offended more than one person with my views), I'd realized that I was coming at this from the wrong orientation.

I forget that political science is limited to a group that reads and critiques papers - many times far removed from the actual events.
Political science often favours the acquirement of power and stability above morality. It downplays the role of the individual, in favour of the entire system. It prides itself on being above emotional reactions - a rational study of humans - a science.

These biases within political science, I'd once critiqued... yet in my actual experience I carried them blindly. And to think, I'd actually prided myself for having a balanced view of means and ends. I'd always argued against the 'ends justify the means' response and yet... in wishing to satisfy an intellectual need for a plan, I'd ignored and objectified the people affected.

I now consider this experience a wisdom acquired.

Still, I don't know what to do with these people. I've learned what not to do, but hopefully observation and experience will lead me to be more human in my response.

From this - it seems that wisdom is knowledge placed effectively... yes, I'd like some more wisdom...

I woke up feeling a groggy, bloated, and who knows what else.

and I was disturbed by the distance I have with people.
Analyzing this, it's come down to a lack of trust in people.
I think this happens to people of a delicate construction.
The pains, break-ups, goodbyes, and betrayals of everyday life (yes everyday!) are just too much for my mind and body to take.
So as a defense mechanism, I convince myself that I don't need people really and close myself off.

But then, why do I wake up on mornings like this aching for some real human contact.

I didn't feel so strongly last term and the term before.
I loved my political science classes, because we interacted through debate and presentation - you get to have fun rating other people's skills and trying to one-up others. I was so happy in that setting. And people were friendly, I'd usually make at least 2 or 3 friends in each class. And I liked them because, well all ideas are debateable! You needn't concede that the other person is right, just argue their position with facts and theories. Nothing personal (unless the person was completely making sh- up as they go).

But in my psychology class, everyone has their head up their you-know-what. Nothing is debateable except perhaps which measure should have been used for the experiment, what not. Boring!

Anyway, political science classes did keep me from wanting relationships. But now that that is over, what am I supposed to do?

I have another problem - I do get introduced to a lot of people.
But is it unhealthy to only like a few people out of the many that I meet?
I didn't think so, but perhaps its true. I'm not trusting people enough to give them a chance if they don't fit my 'mould' (like politics, sociological topics, music, current news, books). Just need some patience.

On another related note - there are people who are just so drawn to their media. Their music, their books, their art, their whatever collection. And sometimes, it seems that their hiding behind it. A security blanket or what not. I'm not berating, I'm just saying.
I certainly am.
I know I've said nothing new - but the question comes down to this.

Should I attempt to get along with all types? Or am I ok being to closed-off to different types of people because I'm not that interested?
I guess if I put it that way, I should meet new people, be adventurous open-minded, all that stuff that society loves and makes you feel good.
I guess for me I have to reach out and talk about what I'm interested in.
Because, usually I go along with what the other person talks about - and either choose to speak or not. But perhaps I have to take initiative now...