Job Search

The Job search is on... and I am getting decent response

I've had so far 2 people contact me for interviews for an administrative assistant position,
1 interview for Japan (which I skipped out on).
1 for community justice organized, and 1 for canvassing part-time.

I'm getting a decent amount, I think because I know how to manipulate a resume, but at the same time... perhaps I'm just aiming too low.

I talked to my friend the other day and he said I could go straight for marketing and advertising positions to make more money.
I don't know what he meant by that but it sure made me less excited about being an administrative assistant.

I'm really undecided on what type of job I want. The jobs that I have now are giving me experience and skill for my later jobs (of perhaps lawyer)... you know, they are building blocks, and I got to make sure I got the right blocks, don't I?
As community justice organizer, I'd be out there in a somewhat leadership position, organizing groups to help people inform lower-income families abut their rights in renting situations, and more. But I'd be losing out on having a traditional job experience...
With administrative assistant - I would have some kind of office experience, and hone my organizational skills. Be in a climate with strict deadlines, all that to give me some discipline. Of course, it would probably be an atmosphere of less independence, more boredom...

Also, I am worried about finances, I would love to at least halve my enormous debt, and make some on the side to travel to at least one different country.
But at the same time, as my parents say, if I do things right, right now, I won't have to worry about money later on.

At this age, I guess it's really trying to find the balance between the present and the future. I feel like graduation is my first step into adulthood. Its exciting and nerve-wracking... even for someone who has at least one of their end goals figured out.

Without school and without anxiety problems, I can freely think about what I want from this life... my previous myopia is now reaching clear sight... I see the things that I've missed out on, and I'm beginning to desire again human relationships... good travels... faithfulness to my morals...

Anyway, I actually want to postpone getting a job until October... need to focus on the LSAT!
Which is just killing me...

Law School 2

So they found that people who were more 'pessimistic' tended to do better in law school than those who were 'optimistic'
This is in an outdated study - 1995 - but let's see if it has anything to it.
Pessimistic people are always looking for what is wrong, while these things tend to be under the radar of optimistic individuals.
Thus, in law school, if one is always vigilant to positions that are weak, illogical, etc, I suppose that would make a great grades in law school.

But this is only law school... I'm thinking people who are successful outside of school "aka life" tend to have a healthy balance between these two. They know to be on the look out, yet need to be optimistic about opportunities to strive towards them - and not burn themselves out.

But this need for pessimism may explain the high depression and suicide rates among lawyers.

I think I would really enjoy being knowledgeable and professional in telling clients their legal choices, being a legal counsel.
One of my favourite things is finding out new information, and then advising my friends of my findings. I like being of some benefit and having weight in the matter. I enjoy research and analysis and I enjoy being right. I think these are good prerequisites for law.

Immigration law, mediation, environmental law, properties/wills, family, constitutional law, these are the more social, more emotionally engaging areas of law that I'm looking into.

My dream of course, is to be an international human rights lawyer... but it almost seems like just a dream...

ah, see, I've got that pessimism.

The wise learn from their mistakes

I'm not sure if it's been said exactly in that manner, but I'm definitely paraphrasing an old idea that is so relevant to all of us.

I guess one of the more important words in this sentence is 'mistake'.

What is a mistake?

Of course, it's something we've done wrong

- but what constitutes the content in the mistake... where is the wrongness?

I guess my short answer is, wherever the action has led to an unnecessary harm...

all these of course, are hard to say for certain without knowledge of the future. Because a certain harm caused now may be seen as having been fortuitous in the future. Many times we've looked back and recognized that ah yes, things have happened for the best, even though at that time... we were completely dreading it.

I'm not about to define for you what for certain is a mistake, but to outline the simpler and more common mistakes.

A very common mistake made is when we give ourselves fully and freely to others, with little regard for their character

this act of youthful foolishness causes a great pain for all who commit it. For certain there have been those who either abused this act of love or who have overlooked it...

and the rawness of this open-hearted pain is just so much, too much to bear

and so learning from this experience

many decide not to trust again

Of course this act is not an isolated act.

Soon after recovery, we decide to trust somewhat fully

and then another one comes to throw this trust away

After several incidences, many learn

to simply stop trusting.

And that, is the hidden mistake.

Well, hidden for people like me. To others, they don't commit this mistake and thus it isn't hidden.

But for people like me, the lesson that we learned to protect ourselves was taken too far, and thus becomes at worst a self-sabotaging mechanism, and at best a hindrance to our goals. For what are we on earth, except to truly get to know, appreciate, and even love one another...

...

In the end, what is recommended is a calm attentiveness to our actions, a gentle self-reflection of our thoughts.

Reflecting on your thoughts is hard.

Because you are thinking, and just say you are thinking about pain.

You tend to go on and on about that pain, and what caused it, and what you should do. This is not calm, usually this is attended by with rage or anxiety. It only prolongs that pina.

But to actually stop, and look at what you are saying to yourself, how it reflects what you think and feel about the world and the others around you... What you think others think of you.

Are all these things true?

Is there not some chance that you are actually exaggerating this because well, you've been so used to exaggerating and so used to criticizing yourself and well... it's hard to catch what you've grown up with all your life...

Anyway this isn't as short a blog as I wanted

but slightly detached analysis upon analysis upon your thoughts and feelings can lead to some productive changes to your 'stagnant' way of being.

And I suggest that whatever clarity derived from actions like this should not end up with a manic-like joy into which you base your entire life actions on, but a soft and subtle epiphany, which should always be there to gently remind you the next time around... else you may end up head-first into another mistake

but then again, that might deprive you of another learning experience! Yet experience suggests mistake after mistake is hardly healthy for the soul, so enjoy your successes and be humane towards yourself!

Who... no, what am I??

One thing that frustrates me is that I don't really know who I am.

Like in Bitter Sweet Symphony, "I'm a million different people from one day to the next"

Can I be called "in the middle"

Happy by herself and books, but will suddenly get this urge to get the kuf out of there and explore the world
Needs intellectual stimulation, but also drawn to 'pure pop'
Loves harmony, but loves argument as well
A feminine tomboy
Can be hair-splitting, but ultimately wants to get to the point
Laid-back, but can get easily angered at real and perceived injustices
Forgives people who are sincerely sorry easily, but for the most part carries her grudges to the grave
Does not like to push others and generally hates being pushed, but in one of my moods will do exactly that and need that
Messy but loves planning

I don't know if I have a guiding life philosophy

Anyway, I'm saying this because I spent time on Myers-Briggs websites, and in all honestly, I feel like I fit in most of the introverted categories

infp, infj, intp, intj, isfp, isfj, istp, istj...

i guess if I had to choose, I'd be somewhere around infp/intp
But just looking at those two wouldn't explain me perfectly.

I'd like just one or two words to sum me up.
But then again, if someone tried to sum me up in one word, I guess I'd be offended - and I have been.

To be... or not to be

So as I've done more research,

I'm thinking - do I want to be a lawyer?

I'd told myself that I'd like to do international human rights law - but really, the interesting cases that I've read about would probably come to me perhaps once in my lifetime.

I'd dreamed of
seeing war criminals put in jail,
having rapists convicted with ever longer sentences,
striking down unjust and discriminatory laws,
helping refugee and poor immigrant claims,
slamming corporations and those who commit white-collar crimes...

But the reality of it seems to be
trying to maximize monetary gains in messy family break-ups,
helping corporations justify their unscrupulous tactics,
defending potentially guilty offenders,
and most probably - be engaged in completely mundane tasks of which have no relevance to me except feeding my paycheck (all while dedicating myself 16 hours a day to the job).

My needs for justice will more often than not be unmet. Perhaps I'd slack off because I couldn't identify with what I was doing anymore.
And when it comes down to it - perhaps I am a bit too fragile for the job. High levels of stress have not been met by grace in my case.

I mean, I am capable of being aggressive, impartial, and decisive
- but those are certainly not my strongest enduring traits.

But we'll see.
Constitutional law still holds promise... working as a lawyer for an NGO would probably be ok as well. Anyway, as October approaches, you will hear more thoughts on this...

Stoic or Romantic?

A question that always runs through my mind is -
is it better to be stoic? Or to feel both incredible joy and sadness?

I live with a strange cross-breed of ratio-emotive expression. I can cry and laugh easily - tears come to me easily while watching movies, reading books, even listening to music - but at the time I do it, I can still make a decision in which I'm emotionally against...
I do have 'philosophical' beliefs as to why I should make decisions that lead to best future consequences ---
But perhaps it's not my natural position. Perhaps it feeds my low stamina - as I am always fighting this natural urge...

Or is acting in opposition to my feelings may just be plain old maturity.

I woke up feeling a groggy, bloated, and who knows what else.

and I was disturbed by the distance I have with people.
Analyzing this, it's come down to a lack of trust in people.
I think this happens to people of a delicate construction.
The pains, break-ups, goodbyes, and betrayals of everyday life (yes everyday!) are just too much for my mind and body to take.
So as a defense mechanism, I convince myself that I don't need people really and close myself off.

But then, why do I wake up on mornings like this aching for some real human contact.

I didn't feel so strongly last term and the term before.
I loved my political science classes, because we interacted through debate and presentation - you get to have fun rating other people's skills and trying to one-up others. I was so happy in that setting. And people were friendly, I'd usually make at least 2 or 3 friends in each class. And I liked them because, well all ideas are debateable! You needn't concede that the other person is right, just argue their position with facts and theories. Nothing personal (unless the person was completely making sh- up as they go).

But in my psychology class, everyone has their head up their you-know-what. Nothing is debateable except perhaps which measure should have been used for the experiment, what not. Boring!

Anyway, political science classes did keep me from wanting relationships. But now that that is over, what am I supposed to do?

I have another problem - I do get introduced to a lot of people.
But is it unhealthy to only like a few people out of the many that I meet?
I didn't think so, but perhaps its true. I'm not trusting people enough to give them a chance if they don't fit my 'mould' (like politics, sociological topics, music, current news, books). Just need some patience.

On another related note - there are people who are just so drawn to their media. Their music, their books, their art, their whatever collection. And sometimes, it seems that their hiding behind it. A security blanket or what not. I'm not berating, I'm just saying.
I certainly am.
I know I've said nothing new - but the question comes down to this.

Should I attempt to get along with all types? Or am I ok being to closed-off to different types of people because I'm not that interested?
I guess if I put it that way, I should meet new people, be adventurous open-minded, all that stuff that society loves and makes you feel good.
I guess for me I have to reach out and talk about what I'm interested in.
Because, usually I go along with what the other person talks about - and either choose to speak or not. But perhaps I have to take initiative now...

As self-respect emerges after a long period of dark, I suppose I should be relieved. In a way I am, but there's something about the past that I have to realize. To realize that I'm better than I'd ever thought.

Looking at the past 2 years, I am ashamed and angry.
Ashamed and angry that I had let myself be treated in a lesser manner than I deserve.
That many of the friendships I've had are so shallow, perhaps because I never let myself be who I really am in front of many people, and the people I wanted to be friends with - I was afraid to pursue.
I was so painstakingly careful in my actions, paranoid of negative judgement by my peers. My whole actions expressed 'I think that you're better than me' when really they aren't.

I'm just so angry that no one helped me out. You know, made me realize that I don't have to do this... that I'm worth more.
People will say, don't blame other people, and I'll say hold your horses, I can do what I want.
I can refuse the judgement thrust upon me, and accept it in my own time - because deep down I know its better to take responsibility.
But at this moment of realization, my anger burns...

Everyone just seems to be hurting, too caught up in their own problems...
well ya, this was an extremely negative post, but I'll be coming back to this later.