I feel like I need to travel the world.
See the world's poor and feel compassion again.

These days, I can't keep other people in my mind for more than a couple of hours.
I do the motions, joining groups, being interested in books, but none of this sets me on fire.

I feel like I need to recentre myself, such as structure the way I am, my identity - to see what I'd like to achieve for the future.
Identity's a big issue. Who am I, and is what I'm doing/thinking/feeling reflecting that?

I watched "Shake Hands with the Devil"
and I was just so moved. A great work, displaying the courage and just amazing moral character of General Romeo Dallaire during the Rwandan Genocide.

I was so shocked that he cared so much for the 'innocents'.

I feel like I've given up. Though in conversations with others, I retain an optimistic and progressive view of the world, that things, with the application of effort into smart initiatives, will get better.
But deep down, I feel those smart initiatives are too few. I believe that the effort will not be enough.
And that the people to respond will not respond.

Everyday I walk with this burden in my heart, that no change will occur. Then it becomes a why bother.

Perhaps it's my own lack of intelligence - or rather ability to think of these initiatives myself...
I'm currently in a group trying to promote the rights of North Korean refugees in Canada and abroad.

I have decent plans for this.
The people around me though, I am not sure whether they value organization and applying strategy to our efforts.
Like, they don't want posters, they don't want to go on the street and talk to people, they don't know which groups to contact,
everything seems automatic to them, while I only see hardwork ahead of us.

And yet, I feel like I should then try and take a leadership position.
But I detest it. I can't. I faintly see the outlines of plans forming, but I can never pull them into the concrete and workable. There always seems to be too much ground to cover.
I don't believe in my own ablity to lead them. I always feel my position is better as adviser than actual at the front delegating tasks.
It just goes deep down to my lack of faith in my own vision and know-how.

..

Anyway as I said, I feel like I need to travel the world, to give me the passion again. And the experience to enrich me with know how.

Man, so the life situation is getting better than ever.

Who knew I would love the working world?

Well, it's not that I LOVE my work place, I enjoy it for the most part... but the parts that get to me most are accomplishing something daily, having no homework, and with having no homework - being able to devote to friends, family, and other joys.

Oh that and being in Toronto.
I realize... I need to live in a city of at least 2 million.
At least!

But ya I love the luxury of having extra cash. Not that I make so much. But today I got to take out my family for food and a little bit of drinking and it was really good.
I think I'll make it a bi-monthly thing.
I was getting tired of retail therapy anyway.
It's true. I've tried to be fashionable, and it lasted a good week of non-stop shopping, but really there's only so much you need.

Like the gains from the first few items were great - I was just like whopee, I want to buy everything. But after awhile, the feeling I got lessened - decreasing returns-to-scale in a dramatic way.

And it's not like I'm restrained by this feeling of guilt, I just don't have a strong interest in clothes.
I want to look comfortably pretty, not stunning or impecable.
Just not something I aim for. (unless of course, it's a special occasion... I'm dressing up more)

Which reminds me - guys only pick me up when I'm with my friends. And this is not because they are picking up my friends and I'm just there. I think that guys are attracted by me in motion.

It's true, when I'm just standing still - I can't say I'm gorgeous. I probably look tired with my slightly downward slanting eyes and unfeminine jaw line.

But when I get animated and start smiling, well I guess that's my strong point when it comes to guys. Guys aren't actually completely vain.
I just thought that was a neat thing.

Do I wish I were prettier? Of course. I could tell you just what I don't like about me, and I quip to Xiaodi that I'd like to get surgery.
But for the most part, I'm happy with what I've been given and strive to gently refine my looks, my brains, and my spirit (oh and my health).
And yes, here in Toronto, it's all happening. Oh yea.

I keep forgetting to blog.
Well how are we here. I've had a 360 from the last time I've blogged.
Had a nasty client who told me that she "doesn't have time for me" and abruptly hung up.
This is what happened.
She, the office manager of a law firm, is supposed to enter some information, and send it to me. Somehow she sent me the wrong information.
As I read it back to her, she got angry thinking that I had gotten it wrong. Of course, at that point, I wasn't sure that she was the one who had made the mistake.
I told her I'd call her back once I'd figured everything out.

I get someone to call her back - and we find that she has to uninstall some program - and they direct her to me! I am not responsible for uninstalling of programs, tech support is, but I still get the call dumped on me.
So as I talk to her, I am hesitating to talk - and then she yelled at me and hung up.

I was so angry. Honestly, I wanted to tell her she must be mad at the world because she was born an idiot, and she's taking her anger out on me - who was trying to help her.
But of course, I didn't. In the end I calmed down but geez, the nerve of some people.
I'm thinking I'm gonna come out of the working world with some thicker skin.
It'll be good for me.

I did talk to the sweetest person - calling from Washington University law school - top 10 law school - and man this woman was just so enthusiastic and nice. School admin == love their job, Office manager of a law firm == not so much love their job? It was a good note to end the day.

In the meantime, I have to do things I love - so I checked out 'eastern promises' with my friend. Let me just say now, I love Viggo Mortenson! Or however you spell his name. But wow... that was some sexy character he portrayed.
I'm going to go on a retreat this weekend, involved with raising awareness for North Korea. I'll tell you how that goes.
See ya.

So I missed blogging yesterday
but I had a very bad day yesterday.

As it happens, after work - I am completely drained. I cannot care properly about anything for 2 hours after work. That I must give my attention to small details for 8 hours (sometimes more because I want to make a good impression), just completely drains me.
I don't know if all workers feel like this - or it is just the consequences of a bad fit for the job.
I'm beginning to be wary of becoming a lawyer.

Anyway, so I'm drained, a bit cranky.
I went to the mall to wait for Xiaodi, and I went to Zara to try on a skirt for work.
There, waiting in line - it came to my turn. There was a room free - but the people who worked there weren't paying attention and kept folding their clothes for some time.
I was getting impatient and finally interrupted them and said 'can I go into that room'?
And the girl just said 'no you can't' in a hostile voice. And then her friend/co-worker began to laugh.

I was friggin mortified. I flung the skirt on their pile and I left.
How... could their service be so bad? How could she just snap at that? How could the other laugh? It was just so beyond unprofessional - it was just... I don't know what to say.
And at the worst time. If I had not just gotten off 9 hours of work, I could have handled it better. But at this stage I was just angered, frozen and in the end just miserably depressed at the world.

And I thought - is this what work is creating in us?
For me it was stress and fragility
for her it was creating her to be the biggest bitch (she should really be fired, and perhaps it would be best for her).

I really would like to know - is this how all working people feel?

I guess blogging's short term revival has sort of well.... needed some kind of shock jolt. So I shall attempt to blog everyday. You know, writing a journal is good for your well-being.

Well, I'm like really wanting to go somewhere.
No, and really it's not because I hate this place.
It's more that I have a thirst for engaging experience, exploration, and give me another word that starts with an e. To embrace energizing environments...

something like that.

It's much more an approach model than an avoidance one - which I mean is my motivation.
Those who approach go towards goals - to gain positive experience. Those who avoid go away from punishing or punishing situations.
Many times in life there is usually a mix of these motivations in any decision, but people tend to have orientations.
Behavioural-inhibitory system (BIS)- avoidance patterns
and behavioural-activation system (BAS) - appetitive patterns
Any psych majors in the house?

Anyway, this was a slight digression to the point that I want to travel for the sake of enjoying myself.
My job is alright, my coworkers are nice, and my family situation is getting better. It's a gentle slope up.
But it's also made me aware of previous fallacies of thought - such as the weight I'd put on the importance of job and the corresponding lack of weight I'd put on the importance of simple and deep enjoyments.
Of good conversation, music, food, and art.
Discovering this I'd also found the fallacy of believing my super emotionality as a flaw.
I mean this learning experience is just SO rewarding in itself, but I'm really discovering the world is at my fingers - and I have the right to enjoy.

-

I want to go to Iceland, Europe (Ok, Iceland's part of europe, but it's not on the continent ya know?), India, South America.
Which is a problem - because Xiaodi wants to go see Asia, in which I'm not so impressed.

--

Even though I'm like falling in love with the world again and rediscovering opportunities, it's just a bit funny that I'm working in a job for which I am overqualified and yet underpaid and understimulated.
But it has good lessons in itself. For example, I realized that I'd had a long standing complex - feeling not... like I could be accepted in an office environment. This is proving to me that an office/corporate experience is not half as daunting as I'd thought it would be.
I also had a bit of an anxiety problem before this job, and a corresponding social anxiety. This has helped me (along with the doctrine of just enjoying life) to get over my fears.
Finally I'm getting up early, learning to be more organized... things that I needed to get in my life right away.

The pay isn't that bad - but we'll see.

----

I think one thing is - I'm just so happy to be out of Waterloo. The whole homework thing hanging over your head, the ugly area, the lack of family life around the area (a pure university town), and the lack of just the great things about urban life.
Ya, homework - something you have to worry about all the time - is just not fun is it?
I like how you can work and just relax.

---

Anyway, when I talk to conservatives, 2 have told me that I've articulated the liberal's point of view better than anyone they've encountered. While this is flattering - I am worried about the state of political arguments today.
I think a lot of liberals - generally have good intentions - but aren't very... thoughtful about the whole thing. They take their doctrines for granted - as fundamental truths - that do not need explanation, only exasperation at attempts to argue it. Hey, I was like this too. I find that a lot were indoctrinated in high schools by left-wing school teachers - and these views were taken as fact.
I'd actually avoided the title of liberal because well - I don't want to be stuck in doctrine.
Anyway, I've come to my beliefs and arguments now, from what I can say are more intelligent 'liberals' than I am. So, I'm actually quite disappointed that there seems to be this divide, in which there is little exposure to ideas that oppose one's own) It's a shame that conservatives and liberals don't get more meetings of the mind.

Anyway, that's my rant for now. I hope to write more tomorrow.

Some say it's a gift... no, it's a curse!

So I'm really good at determining - from your behaviour - your family circumstances.

Within minutes of meeting people I'll start saying:
Hey, by chance, are you a youngest child?
Um, is there any way that your parents came to Canada at a young age?

I make these 'educated' guesses based on people I knew before - and take into consideration things like the way they speak (HUGE) and gesture, and just the overall aura of a person...

But perhaps the flipside of this is that I'm so busy trying to figure the individual out, I get to enjoy them less, and well that just hinders my ability to interact naturally with them.

And in the end, it's not cool to feel like you've got someone figured out.

And I'd like to say that I don't pigeon-hole people...
and indeed there are these great transformations that can take hold of someone, or more commonly people just act differently in different situations. But from a combination of an inclination to generalize and a general disinclination to expend energy to actually find hidden details about a person - well, the person is then categorized. Their file is stored away in my brain.
And what more could happen except to be unnaturally bound to certain roles... which grow stagnant and etc as we are after all, beautiful changers.

So though it seems like a cool trick demonstrating uncanny ability (not unlike the person who can guess your age and weight accurately), in the end, it's truly a hinderance to meaningful interaction.

The true gift would be bringing out the best in everyone. It employs intuition, empathy and energy, and perhaps even luck.

Anyway, I'm trying to break out of this - but how?

So today I learnt what "to not see the wood for the trees" meant.

And damn, it's a good expression, that's all I can say.

Fathers

I feel bad for people who've grown up with estranged from their fathers - either physically or more commonly, emotionally. And there seems to be a larger number than I'd thought (especially among Koreans) who seem to have a distant father. Somehow these men spent 20 years of their child's life acting as if they had no role but to provide money and perhaps punishment had the child misbehaved. (I'm not talking about fathers who are out of the picture, that is another sensitive topic that perhaps we can explore a bit later)

But in the end, our relationship with our parents have a HUGE influence into how we see the world.

Is our world a positive and encouraging place?
Can I get help from the world when I need it?

Do people really care about me no matter what I do?

Can I really trust people?
Etc.

And ya, I do see how it affects people. My boyfriend, though he may have the occasional spat with his father, has the benefit of a father who wants to be in his life. One who enjoys talking to him and enjoys teaching him and quizzing him, etc. The father isn't afraid to be part of his life, he really, in his own way, tries to be there. And I think that produced a certain confidence in my boyfriend, though he'll probably disagree.

But my father, he hesitates. I know he loves me very very much, but on the other hand I feel as though he's almost scared to be in my life. Scared to tell me his thoughts and feelings and what not. Perhaps fearing that I will look upon his thoughts with disdain. Why this happened would be a long story (I have hypothesized why and ya let's just say a sequence of events). But I see that he too suffered from a present yet distant father, who never really gave my father support.

I can see that he's attempting to try. Today he bought me ice cream, he encouraged me about the interview, we talked at length about politics and Jews and America. But it still breaks my heart in a way because, well, you can see that he's expecting to be judged negatively by his own daughter.

How I want him to openly express all this without... fear and insecurity. How I wish he'd be more forceful more like those fathers in the movies, or at least the father of my friends...

but ya as the serenity prayer says, Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things that I can't change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

It really hurts me because I really want to look up to him. He used to be such a fierce figure.

That's what happens to a lot of fierce figures. My dad is 60 now.

I think after 50-55 a lot of these 'fierce figures' turn into softies.

It really... well it really shook me up. My pillar of strength, so dominant and stubborn, now just... well... I don't know what he is.

I was watching the "Perfect spy" some BBC series. And this one guy who had a father who was a con artist.

And he watched his father ruin the lives of innocent people. His father got hugely rich off the church and off of poor families, sending men into debt then suicide etc. And you can see that the boy is torn between loving his father and hating the man that ultimately destroys the lives of others.

Later on, he meets with his father - and his father, having hit a number of rough patches, asks his son for money. And he uses one of his lines he'd always used, on the son. The son looks at him, while the father sheepishly smiles, trying to retain his composure as a father, all the while his eyes glisten with the tears he's trying to fight back.

It was just heartwrenchingly painful... to see this man who had really fallen so far from his powerful position.

And later on the son talks to his wife...
and she was like "who was that?"
and he's like "no one... someone I knew from the past. He was a tiger then. But now he's just a ghost..."

And I knew that feeling. (even though of course, we had very different circumstances, my father is still an upright man).

I'd have to say that, while not as dramatic as in the 'perfect spy', many of our relationships with our fathers is just complicated...

I don't know what to do with this information.

But perhaps we can take solace that this isn't just happening to us, its to most of us. And to know that really no matter what our fathers really love us. And that is the starting point, isn't it?

My expectations must and will change. And to some extent, he'll try to adapt. That's the only hope.

I'm sorry if I can't end off too happy. It's a really sensitive issue for me and well a hard one for me to deal with...

New found spirituality

I haven't wrote in awhile,

Can't say that much has happened
but after reading "Eat, pray, love" I'm seriously considering finding a spiritual teacher.
The whole idea of spirituality without a religion just seemed so flaky to me, something that aging hippie women bought into after some sort of trauma, so after I fell away from my religion I did not bother seeking anything out to substitute for my loss of meaning. Instead I fell into this part-scientific part-apathetic thinking about my soul.
Which is to say, I didn't really believe in a soul.
Instead, I would do things for my own 'preservation', set myself up to win earthly goods and really not knowing why I was here, except as a product of random interactions...

But this book opened up the need that all humans have to find... the divine.
It mentions the ties that bind all the devout in this world - the way they try to find connection with this higher being, the way in which all of them strive to reach a stage in which they feel a 'heavenly love' unlike any love experienced before, the emphasis on different spiritual energies one can possess...

So little by little, I'm finding and creating meaning. I am still confused - am I going for the feeling and its positive added value to my life? Or do I actually want to meet up with God?
Do I see this more as a solution to my earthly problems, or is it the end goal?
And I guess we'll see what develops.
...

Here are my basics:
To see with the eye of the heart (to take in things, not with your eyes which leads to shallow judgements, but with the heart which sees beyond- and things are much more beautiful this way).
Also 'the kingdom of God is within you' (not necessarily the book by Tolstoy, but the idea that whatever God is, it exists deep down inside of you - which can be realized or ignored. Whatever you want can spring from within you - though not being from YOU, but from something that is connected to everything in this world)

this as far as I am.
I'm not even sure if I believe God to exactly be this holiest of holy male figure who is the creator of this universe.
At this point, it's more of a God is goodness, a beautiful and pure goodness...
But it's form, I don't know. Can I pray to it? Or do I pray for it to come. Is it a being or feeling/understanding.
...

Anyway, I'm just at the beginning... we'll see what happens!

Deliberately insensitive

There seems to be growing numbers of those who pride themselves to be unfeeling and callous...

I am currently recoiling from my unnerving experience yesterday
I was prepared to work with boring people, the politically incorrect, etc
but nothing could have prepared me for my partner

I tried to ask him what major he was in
and then he hostilely responded "why do I always have to answer these awkward questions during walksafe shifts? I don't even know you"
I tried to state that this was a process of getting to know each other
and he replied that he doesn't want to, he would never meet me again, I have no right to know and thus the conversation would be pointless.
I was completely appalled - if he doesn't feel like talking, he can just keep to himself, but his spewing seemed so defensive and worse still vainglorious.
I got this feeling that he thought he was oh-so-clever for coming up with such a line, for his flexibility and creativity of thought, his greatness that transcended my herd-like mind.
I tried to rationally argue my point, and when I'd say something to get more out of him, he would shrug.
I couldn't take it anymore and stopped talking to him completely.

finally 3 hours later, I tried again.
We'd walked a girl home, whose gentle brightness was just so refreshing. I'd quipped to him that she was probably my favourite walk.
Then he looked up at the building and said, 'that's pretty high to fall from'
And I said "well you couldn't die from it"
and he said "ya, someone did."
and silence...

He had no charm, just a dark repressed aura surrounding him, you could see it from under his cap. His feet clunked dully against the ground, while he would blankly take out his phone and stare at it. He had glistening blue eyes and I thought what a waste of beauty, on this twisted character.
Conversely, I thought he'd probably been hurt as a child and tried to take a bit of sympathy, but yet...
his need to make me uncomfortable just repulsed me and overcame any positive emotion I could muster.

I've met a couple of people, especially men, who are like this. They've been rejected one time too often. They feel that inspiring discomfort in your heart is equal to power. Well it's not power.
Acting like an ass doesn't make me like you, respect you, or even fear you. You are not the fucking Prince.
....

I shouldn't let it get to me, but honestly, everyday I meet a person more f*cked up then the next. Is this what it is to be sheltered?

Korea and the World

It is a bit late, but I've just been getting in this Korean hostage situation in Afghanistan.

It's sad and intriguing... rife with politics and agendas. The war of ideas, roles, feelings, and beliefs. And in the end, there is still the lives of 22 young naive Koreans to care about.

Questions being asked are whether this is the price the Koreans must pay for joining in on the 'war on Terror' or whether the hostages were taken without actual consideration to whether they were Korean or not, just that they were a foreign group that could be used for trades? Or perhaps it was their Christianity and attempted proselytizing that infuriated the Muslim radicalists.

Meanwhile, sections of the Korean people are surely blaming this on Korea's efforts in Iraq. The anti-war groups are capitalizing upon this opportunity to capture the hearts of Koreans to stop sending troops. Nevermind the anti-US groups...

Koreans are then asking Ban Ki-Moon to use his status as UN secretary-general to save the Korean hostages. Surely in Ban-Ki Moon's heart he would want to move mountains for these people, but who is he anyway? He may be a Korean national, but he's also frontman of the organization that unites and represents the world. He can't make special exceptions for the Koreans... can he?

And then, the Americans are desperate not to have any more pullouts disrupt their mission and wish not to fan the flames of the fickle Korean populace and disturb an already fragile relations, but they sure as hell do not, as of yet, want to negotiate with the terrorists. US House of Representatives just passed the resolution put forward by Mike Honda which demands Japan to apologize to WWII sex slaves, of which Korea has demanded for 50 years. Now is this timing coincidental? I think not. And Japan is definitely not happy about being called out by the US for previous war crimes.

And yet the Korean government, while wanting to keep strong relations with the US, must balance this out with managing local concerns. Korea, one of the most strongly nationalistic countries, has seen a barrage of protests and candlelight vigils over this matter. They need to show resolve... But how?
They've taken measures such as refusing to allow Koreans to travel to Afghanistan, punishable by law. Is this a political move, trying to avoid further drama in the world's stage or is it the paternalistic aspect of which Asian countries are so famous for, taking care of their 'children'. I suspect its more political... but who knows. And what about the workers there? Do all of them want to leave? Or are some of them unfairly being kept away from their life's calling?

Even stranger, is the situation for the tiny tiny minority of Muslim Arabs in Korea. Yes, they do exist! They've issued several statements, had photo-ops of praying in their mosques for the hostages...

The more zealous Christians are calling this an attack on Christianity. I saw that on one blog, referring to this situation, commenting that Christianity is the most victimized religion in the world. Wow the absolute stupidity of that comment made me want explode. If anything Christianity has been victimized by... Christianity. And perhaps reason. But whatev.

But of course, the remaining 22 hostages, their grieving families... it's hard to report on their condition - but if you just look at the pictures, it hits home. These are real individuals going through real trauma...
And in this world today... I don't believe in simple solutions... but in the case of saving these 22 people's lives... I do hope and even pray for one.

Joe Biden

I'll write about him later,

but here's a decent article (I'd like to find you a good one, but I really should be getting to sleep now).

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1644834,00.html

Job and future

Ya guys
Exciting times here.
So I went for the interview and honestly, I astounded even myself with how awesome I was. Muhahaha. Ok slight exaggeration but it seems that all the years volunteering have actually helped my competency in dealing with people, especially when they too are concerned with social justice.
I must also thank my human resources course
- remember folks, at an interview, always maintain eye contact, smile, and nod. According to psych studies, this accounts for 80% of the variance in being chosen.

But seriously, it seemed like a great fit - the people were young, comfortable, mellow, yet passionate... just the way I like it. It could have gone other ways, people could have been too uptight, too in-your-face, or just too boring. Going for a job requires a fit in two ways: you suiting the organization, and the organization suiting you.

So I'm daydreaming a bit more...
this job may not translate immediately to the dollar bills, but it's something where I think I'd learn 1) leadership skills 2) social skills. And it would make use of my 1) need and ability for independent work and 2) passion for social justice.

Anyway, so I'm happy, and I'm like wow how many jobs are out there for me?

I want to be a lawyer, but somewhere along the way I'd also love to pick up a political science MA. I'd love to do something requiring travelling to post-conflict sites and start the rebuilding process. That's one of my goals. And perhaps, depending on how well I do, teach law for a bit. Write some political non-fiction. Perhaps pick up a counselling MA as well. And maybe... just maybe... when I'm like 50, go into politics. But that's much later...
What I'm wanting to do soon is some volunteering for the environment... get up to speed on environmental issues around the world and do my part... in Iceland, India, Peru, Russia...

I know I said I was going to go to Korea but I realized that I didn't have much to learn there, only a paycheck to receive.
I don't want to teach bratty children English. I don't want to be surrounded by Koreans for 1 year. I don't want to work for a Korean slave driver. I don't want to see my relatives... yet. I'd like to see them when you know I've got a sweet job. I don't want to forego an opportunity to learn valuable skills and gain a Canadian reference. I don't want to be separate from my family and friends.
Those are my reasons...

I guess what this means is that things come up. New sentiments arise, new ideas to pursue... that's the nature of being young, adventurous, and able is it not?

Anyway, I promise, next post no more talk about jobs and the future~ Got to change it up you know?

Peace~~

Job Search

The Job search is on... and I am getting decent response

I've had so far 2 people contact me for interviews for an administrative assistant position,
1 interview for Japan (which I skipped out on).
1 for community justice organized, and 1 for canvassing part-time.

I'm getting a decent amount, I think because I know how to manipulate a resume, but at the same time... perhaps I'm just aiming too low.

I talked to my friend the other day and he said I could go straight for marketing and advertising positions to make more money.
I don't know what he meant by that but it sure made me less excited about being an administrative assistant.

I'm really undecided on what type of job I want. The jobs that I have now are giving me experience and skill for my later jobs (of perhaps lawyer)... you know, they are building blocks, and I got to make sure I got the right blocks, don't I?
As community justice organizer, I'd be out there in a somewhat leadership position, organizing groups to help people inform lower-income families abut their rights in renting situations, and more. But I'd be losing out on having a traditional job experience...
With administrative assistant - I would have some kind of office experience, and hone my organizational skills. Be in a climate with strict deadlines, all that to give me some discipline. Of course, it would probably be an atmosphere of less independence, more boredom...

Also, I am worried about finances, I would love to at least halve my enormous debt, and make some on the side to travel to at least one different country.
But at the same time, as my parents say, if I do things right, right now, I won't have to worry about money later on.

At this age, I guess it's really trying to find the balance between the present and the future. I feel like graduation is my first step into adulthood. Its exciting and nerve-wracking... even for someone who has at least one of their end goals figured out.

Without school and without anxiety problems, I can freely think about what I want from this life... my previous myopia is now reaching clear sight... I see the things that I've missed out on, and I'm beginning to desire again human relationships... good travels... faithfulness to my morals...

Anyway, I actually want to postpone getting a job until October... need to focus on the LSAT!
Which is just killing me...

Law School 2

So they found that people who were more 'pessimistic' tended to do better in law school than those who were 'optimistic'
This is in an outdated study - 1995 - but let's see if it has anything to it.
Pessimistic people are always looking for what is wrong, while these things tend to be under the radar of optimistic individuals.
Thus, in law school, if one is always vigilant to positions that are weak, illogical, etc, I suppose that would make a great grades in law school.

But this is only law school... I'm thinking people who are successful outside of school "aka life" tend to have a healthy balance between these two. They know to be on the look out, yet need to be optimistic about opportunities to strive towards them - and not burn themselves out.

But this need for pessimism may explain the high depression and suicide rates among lawyers.

I think I would really enjoy being knowledgeable and professional in telling clients their legal choices, being a legal counsel.
One of my favourite things is finding out new information, and then advising my friends of my findings. I like being of some benefit and having weight in the matter. I enjoy research and analysis and I enjoy being right. I think these are good prerequisites for law.

Immigration law, mediation, environmental law, properties/wills, family, constitutional law, these are the more social, more emotionally engaging areas of law that I'm looking into.

My dream of course, is to be an international human rights lawyer... but it almost seems like just a dream...

ah, see, I've got that pessimism.

Working out and pain

After a long stretch of ignoring my body, I've set some goals to get in shape and feel good IN my body (I think I have a decent body to begin with, it just so happens that this sluggishness that I have makes me feel bad =P)

So here they are:

to stretch everyday

to jog/do aerobic every other day
go swimming once a month

to get massages from professionals every 3 months

to be able to do front splits within 3 months

and chinese (side) splits within 6 months

to be able to jog 10k in a year and a half

to get a black belt in 3 years

my goodness, lately I've been doing stretches and I'm just baffled at how inflexible I've become. I used to be able to touch my toes with little problem, and now it's like my body can't go past perpedicular angles.

Ridiculous.

Anyway, I was a bit zealous about this whole thing and while I was stretching today I actually almost cried from the stretch. Some people say that jogging until you fallover seems like a masochistic thing to do, but try stretching beyond your limit. It is frikking the most painful thing in the world (short of child-birth, but then again, that is another type of stretching in itself....)

I tried to hold in my expression, but I realized that venting this expression - actually making pained faces - actually increased my tolerance to this pain. The more I expressed this pain, the longer I could take it.

This might be the reason why women have higher tolerances to pain - we just express our pain physically~

It's like breathingt I suppose.

The pain is like the carbon in your body - and if you try to hold it in, well you'll just feel like exploding -

but breathe it out, and this carbon can continually course through your body naturally... the pain can continually course through your body... at safer more tolerable amounts

Isn't that crazy? I wonder why expression is just so important to renewing our bodily and mental health...

Any thoughts?

Anyway, I've learned that I'm not supposed to stretch until I feel pain... only until 'mild discomfort', else I'm going to injure myself! I already feel that sharp pain on knees... if only I'd read that earlier!

Then again, I wouldn't have come to this observation... which is really cool.

Actually, I'm starting to like psychology again - this course, neuroeconomics, really shows how fascinatingly complex we are...

we really don't have humans all figured out, at least not our internal workings. The 'why' business has often been left to philosophers who can't really prove their point. Go psychology and the scientific method!!

The wise learn from their mistakes

I'm not sure if it's been said exactly in that manner, but I'm definitely paraphrasing an old idea that is so relevant to all of us.

I guess one of the more important words in this sentence is 'mistake'.

What is a mistake?

Of course, it's something we've done wrong

- but what constitutes the content in the mistake... where is the wrongness?

I guess my short answer is, wherever the action has led to an unnecessary harm...

all these of course, are hard to say for certain without knowledge of the future. Because a certain harm caused now may be seen as having been fortuitous in the future. Many times we've looked back and recognized that ah yes, things have happened for the best, even though at that time... we were completely dreading it.

I'm not about to define for you what for certain is a mistake, but to outline the simpler and more common mistakes.

A very common mistake made is when we give ourselves fully and freely to others, with little regard for their character

this act of youthful foolishness causes a great pain for all who commit it. For certain there have been those who either abused this act of love or who have overlooked it...

and the rawness of this open-hearted pain is just so much, too much to bear

and so learning from this experience

many decide not to trust again

Of course this act is not an isolated act.

Soon after recovery, we decide to trust somewhat fully

and then another one comes to throw this trust away

After several incidences, many learn

to simply stop trusting.

And that, is the hidden mistake.

Well, hidden for people like me. To others, they don't commit this mistake and thus it isn't hidden.

But for people like me, the lesson that we learned to protect ourselves was taken too far, and thus becomes at worst a self-sabotaging mechanism, and at best a hindrance to our goals. For what are we on earth, except to truly get to know, appreciate, and even love one another...

...

In the end, what is recommended is a calm attentiveness to our actions, a gentle self-reflection of our thoughts.

Reflecting on your thoughts is hard.

Because you are thinking, and just say you are thinking about pain.

You tend to go on and on about that pain, and what caused it, and what you should do. This is not calm, usually this is attended by with rage or anxiety. It only prolongs that pina.

But to actually stop, and look at what you are saying to yourself, how it reflects what you think and feel about the world and the others around you... What you think others think of you.

Are all these things true?

Is there not some chance that you are actually exaggerating this because well, you've been so used to exaggerating and so used to criticizing yourself and well... it's hard to catch what you've grown up with all your life...

Anyway this isn't as short a blog as I wanted

but slightly detached analysis upon analysis upon your thoughts and feelings can lead to some productive changes to your 'stagnant' way of being.

And I suggest that whatever clarity derived from actions like this should not end up with a manic-like joy into which you base your entire life actions on, but a soft and subtle epiphany, which should always be there to gently remind you the next time around... else you may end up head-first into another mistake

but then again, that might deprive you of another learning experience! Yet experience suggests mistake after mistake is hardly healthy for the soul, so enjoy your successes and be humane towards yourself!

Check the US

When they fall, they fall hard.

So lately in media reports, it's always about George Bush's declining rate and the need to pull out of Iraq,
and I must be mad or something, but this news slightly infuriates me.

Why? Not that I'd want to see him in power, ever since 2004 have I been waiting for 2008. Not that I'd ever supported the Iraq War.
But it's a culmination of factors.

1) Lack of loyalty: Though a democracy should not have unquestioned kings, I'm appalled at the Conservatives now who are running, not walking, away from being associated with Bush or the Iraq war. Were they not spouting his praise only a few years back?
Ah, human fickleness.

2) The process of scapegoating: Many people now are trying to distance themselves from Bush and the Iraq War. But someone has to be responsible right? Who is the most widely known (and hated) of all? George Bush. So let's just put more blame on him.

3) The bandwagon (conformity): Goddamn, I hate the bandwagon, but it's such a fundamental part of our social behaviour. But if certain leaders (or the cool kids) decide to dislike him, and the guy to the left and right of you dislike him, hey, why not you? It certainly doesn't come at a cost to you, and you really respect that leader's opinion, and that friend of your is really well-spoken, and ya, you guess you don't have that much information so... you might as well blindly put yourself forth with hating Bush. Gee, I'm really glad we have fought for the freedom of thought.

This is most evident in the support for Iraq. An increasing number of journalists are coming out with increasingly blind bias against the Iraq War. There is no weighing of the two sides. The lack of analysis by politicians in the Iraq War is just phenomenal.
First, the reason why Iraq is somewhat akin to a hell on earth is due mostly to the invastion and perhaps the first 2-3 years, not the most recent ones.
But if invading Iraq started problem, is pulling out the solution?

No, what they are doing now is a sort of maintenance work, in which new tactics must be revived to try and restore some peace to Iraq.

Honestly, when I see people only starting to write about the atrocities of Iraq now, I'm like where were you 4 years ago???? You're just trying to make a gain with this popularized sentiment that the war is bad.

Did you not know that in war there are always unwanted casualties? Rape and systematic killings? I'm guessing this is just human nature. Having suppressed critiquing the war for years, you suddenly jump at ever higher heights to go full blast on this administration. You are encouraged by the heads nodding in agreement. All you need to say is, 'Bush Bad' and you get applause. Yet this moment of emboldenment has turned your rationality on cruise control and you cruise into the same mistake made by the administration itself.

For years, Saddam Hussein was killing Kurds by the thousands, first displacing them into crowded villages which were subsequently gassed.
And the US did nothing.
10 years later, they decide that this is almost reason enough to invade Iraq again. This is also 10 years after the gassing stopped.

The correct questions are not being asked!! There is low regard for consequentialism or something. Isn't the right question: How does this effect the people involved? how is this going to help? Are there any problems caused by this? How can we solve or at least mitigate the harmful effect...

I refuse to believe that we are at the pinnacle of human rationality.
We're digressing if anything.
F*cking will to power shit.
Hey, so I've never been to Iraq and I can't locate it on a map, I'm still know more about what to do with Iraq than that guy who has a phD and like studied Iraq all his life. Ya, if I will it, it must be true!

What's going to happen to Iraqis when we pull out? Af*cking lifetime of ethnic cleansing and instability.

Think Afghanistan post-Soviet invasion.

I could talk about how at the root of all this mess is a lack of education coupled with democracy. It shouldn't happen! And yet it does...
anyway, I'll continue later, I think I've said enough this time around.

My time as a student

First year:

I started Waterloo as a young girl, hoping to meet like-minded peoples, who loved music, books, and going out. Instead, I met a group of engineers and mathies who loved to party... it was good times, but like-minded people I found none.

Academically, in my first term, I really kicked-ass in math. I got 80's and 90's. I actually cried in front of my algebra professor when I had gotten an 80 on my exam. Yes, I was one of those kids.
The second term, I took a philosophy course which blew my mind. It also blew my grades, as I'd gotten in touch with this deeper metaphysical side - and laid aside my need to do well in my courses. I'd actually gotten 50's in all my math courses.
After that, my knack for math could never be revived. I'd continuously struggle with 70's in math courses from there.

Anyway, first year was where all the action was at. I'd had mad crushes on 3 guys, made out with two of them, had tons of friends, and had tons of guys telling me they liked me. You could say I'd had it made... but deep down I'm sensitive. All this really took a toll on me. I dislike rejection on both sides... (if you can tell, I've almost stopped flirting completely)

I'll talk about the crush that I never got. Because those are always more fun to talk about aren't they? His nickname was Jesus. He had been a leader of the Korean Campus Crusade for Christ. He was a principled character, devoted to God. Gave his first paycheck to the church, second to his parents, and third he split among his friends. He'd never had a girlfriend and was waiting for 'the one'...
Through a friend, I'd finally gotten to meet him. We gathered to eat pizza at the library (in which I'd lived... yes I'd actually bring my toothbrush during exam times). Seeing us and the pizza, he dropped to his knees, and his hand grazed my knee (causing my heart to skip a beat). Why he did this I don't know. I asked him something, and he blushed. He made jokes, and he exclaimed in korean "i am a pencil". I don't know what that meant, but I liked his zany offbeat humour. When I'd see him around campus, I could tell he had a deep inner life. For example, while he was studying, he'd wear his hoodie over his head, deep in thought about his homework. Cliche as it sounds, it seemed to me that he didn't care so much what the average person thought of his behaviour. Now, that is immensely appealing...

Anyway, to sum up first year - it was definitely not what I'd expected. I hadn't met that 'soul-mate' group, but I did find many... guys. I'd basically thrown away my desire to complete math - but I'd try to stick through with it to please my parents.

Second year:

I did decently in my courses - nothing spectacular though. I'd no love for math by then. I'd become depressed after the summer for a variety of reasons.

I lived with one of my old friends and two of her acquaintances. It was not good. I'd been given the smallest room and basically didn't have much to say to them.

By this time, the guys and the friends were gone. I'd basically go to the library, go home... and that was it. The once thriving social life was gone.

I took some arts courses - and I loved them. Psychology was easy and I loved philosophy. I'd told my dad that I wanted to do philosophy - then he told me that females in philosophy don't get married.
And thus, after writing my last stats exam, I'd decided to switch to psychology.

Third year:

I started off fresh in psychology courses. They were incredibly easy compared to math. I'd joined a charity club. Here was my first taste of bureaucracy. Unfortunately, I'd been stuck with some close-minded and ineffective planners... and none of my ideas came to fruition, and instead we relied on selling Cinnabons - in which with 4 hours of work, we'd make $20... I never went back.

I'd become a Christian, and found a group of first years which I'd really enjoyed taking care of. We'd do everything together, walking around campus until 2 in the morning, just joking about.
But the flipside to this was that I'd met some close-minded girls who refused to accept my more liberal interpretations of the bible. They tried to ingrain the idea that hell actually was a pit of fire. Didn't stick, but it sure made me insecure about expressing my real opinions.

My favourite professor is a young idealistic man, who recited poetry and song lyrics in our 'peace and conflicts' class. I am enamoured with his love of life and his knowledge about the cold war. Yet, I noted the shiny wedding band on his finger as he waved his arms talking about russian spies, and I'd subsequently had to abandon my heart's cry.

At this time I was incredibly sensitive and had wished to start fresh and fit in. But the truth would be that I didn't fit in. I couldn't accept this and so I walked on egg-shells making sure that what I'd say would be 'appropriate'. So though I'd gotten on the honour roll this year, I had a miserable time, and at the end developed a panic disorder.

Fourth year:

I was trying to recover from the panic disorder. I tried to find solace in God, which was strange because it was probably meeting people who found solace in God that helped create the panic disorder in the first place.
I moved in with some people from the Korean Christian Fellowship. And we discuss matters. And I start to question it more. I am a bit confused as to why Christianity leads to an anti-Gay position, and why Christians aren't really moved by the plight of the poor.

For example, in asking for donations for charity, many Christians chose not to give because they were 'students'. Funny, because I just saw them eat out at East Side Mario's the night before, but I held my tongue.

I shouldn't have.

I join the World University Services of Canada and Amnesty International. Second taste of bureaucracy. I take a leadership position - and I am incredibly happy. I get to discuss matters with people and am actually working towards helping a refugee come to our school. I get sent to conferences and hold public events. I meet a friend whom was much more adept at practical matters, but loved me and relied on me to make sure that 1) he didn't go crazy 2) he could have good conversations about God and the world. We sometimes butted heads, but ya, man I miss him.

I take a political science class. I love it. I take another one, and I can say that it was the best class I've ever taken. Having been set up in a debate format - it was thrilling to try and come up with a tight argument and response. My group defended the position that Asian values were not relevant to the democratization of Asian countries. Though my marks in political science were not as high, I decide to do a double major. Perhaps the best decision I'd made all university long.

I get my first part-time job in years. Walksafe. I meet a ton of cool people. Realize that it's a job where you literally do nothing for 5 hours. Am slightly upset at the waste of it, but stay silent because this is how I get paid.

Fifth year:

I enjoy thoroughly all my political science classes. I like the people I meet. I stay relatively to myself though. I've become incredibly introverted by this time.
I kick ass in my law class. Think - perhaps I should go this route.

Because of a roommate problem, I develop social anxiety and depression. It's a strange depression though. Because it doesn't have an extreme affective component. There was no sadness, only a dreadful lethargy and a dry well of emotion.

I am part of the UW International Development Student Conference. I enjoy my time there, but start to realize that these bureaucratic environments really do not work for me. There are no perks. We don't get into any intellectual discussions nor even bother feigning congeniality. Instead, there is a strange silence that surrounds our group. Many things remain unsaid - our whole group thought that one of our co-ordinators was incompetent. But no one actually says or does anything about it. Only at the end did people loosen up and talk about their true feelings...

I enjoy the company of the old Walksafe workers, can't seem to find anything interesting to talk about with the new. Meet the first gay guy that I actually really like. His way of speaking really loudly and his long-windedness make me laugh. He's incredibly knowledgeable about politics and generally a very encouraging responsible character... We get along pretty well.

Also meet a modern day communist. Though we disagreed on many points, me angering him a lot for refusing to stick it to the man, we have invigorating discussions. And he's changed my mind on things more than I'd like to admit (though less than he probably wanted).

I hang out with James Pyo and group much more. I feel happy to be in a laid back group that likes to sit at coffee shops and talk about whatever. By this time, my interests and beliefs in Christianity have waned. And it's all good because these people accept that. I watch their astoundingly beautiful act at "darfur". I wasn't aware that I had friends THIS talented. I am proud to be their 'groupie'. Anyway, the 'collegial' spirit among us is actually reminiscent of high school times... probably because most of them are from the same high school, but as I said, it's really nice to be in a group.

I love my eastern european professors. They work on international development and ethnicity issues respectively. Both are nuanced, compassionate, and well they just look SO cute! They are both very open - one tells me about her failed marriage, the other his dying father... In any case, I feel like I can relate to them... and feel that they really liked me. It's nice to be liked.

In the end:

To sum up the years here, it's truly the people that you meet that make it what it is.
I've met some close-minded people (of which I have now a phobia)
and brilliant and warm people, whom I will remember forever...

Anyway, there's a lot to say and sum up but I will leave it at this was definitely a rollercoaster ride in which I've learned from tremendously...