Don't cry for me South Korea...

I've become quite cynical of the Korean-Canadian community at the moment

When I think of them, I can't help but associate them with having worst of both worlds.
If Koreans are known to be one-track minded yet ambitious, while Canada is more open-minded yet middling - Korean Canadians seem to have be doomed with mediocrity because of its myopia.

I've tried time and again to fit in with them, but perhaps to the detriment of my mental health. If any of this comes off as too negative, well you are free to stop reading.

But what shall I make of this culture that has no true ties with either Canada or Korea. They are a group without a significant history, who recognize only the plight of their parents and nothing before that, nothing that surrounded that. Their roots are shallow.
Little do they know about the history of Korea or Canada.
Little do they care about the history of Korea or Canada.
Instead, they inebriate themselves with limited cultures, with unreasoned religion and pop culture. Demonstrating zero passions towards all else.
I can only say this so clearly because I've been there. Completely. Tried to immerse myself in this too.
There can be a good side, I guess you can say they are especially demonstrative and affectionate with each other. Strong ties are created. Yet at the same time, this bond seems to demand a price - and the price is independence. What's left is conformity and strong punishments for outliers. Perhaps this is why certain Koreans just feel so alienated.
A person I know just recently dyed his hair, and he was completely obsessed with how the others would react to it. He thought the whole church would judge him. He fretted about while we tried to console him. Having two people respond in a not positive way on his facebook - he freaked out and dyed his hair back.
While he was doing this, I couldn't help but think - what is he doing? Why does he care so much? The whole 'well if you don't like it, it's your loss' mentality was lost on him. It was of utmost importance what the group thought...

My favourite quote has been "Intelligence in chains loses in lucidity, what it gains in intensity.
-Albert Camus"
I don't know if it was intended to be, but I see it with an open-ended view.
Lucidity or intensity are caught within a balancing act, and with Korean Canadians - well there's a lot of intensity there, that's all I can say.

I can only look upon it with regret. Especially comparing it to the South Asian community. Those who come with it have a strong linkage to their past and a strong linkage to whichever society they come to inhabit.
As Sen pointed out, there are writers for the Toronto Star which highlight the South Asian community's successes. There are numerous Indian politicians, such as Navdeep Bains. I can recall that the UW International Health Development Agency was started by South Asians. The South Asian events at Waterloo are wonderful - they partake in Indian dances. I look towards Koreans and I can tell you they would never be caught dead doing Korean dances. It's all about hip hop and break-dancing, perhaps some Britney type pop. Ok, there was a Korean politician - Ben Chin, former newscaster. And that was exciting for me. But these things are just too few and far between.

Sometimes I think perhaps this is because of our past circumstances - many people came here from lower middle-class families, simply looking to get a job, and so perhaps there was just a deficit of information for proper community building, while many Indians have come with their well-to-do families and abundance of ties as well as tools to build communities.
Or perhaps it was Korea's long-standing dictatorship that just flushed out political impulses among the common people, while India has had a democracy, fostering the political - whether it marry itself to the arts and what not.

Maybe it's like the Japanese thing. So quick to throw away what is ours. The pro-Westerners have won, having us succeed economically, but at the cost of a deep and thriving living culture.

I know I've come down perhaps a bit too harsh on 'my people', but it was only because I expected so much from them. I loved them, like I loved myself.

"Don't cry for me South Korea
The truth is I never left you
All through my wild days
My mad existence
I kept my promise
Don't keep your distance

Have I said too much?
There's nothing more I can think of to say to you
But all you have to do is look at me
To know that every word is true"

Who... no, what am I??

One thing that frustrates me is that I don't really know who I am.

Like in Bitter Sweet Symphony, "I'm a million different people from one day to the next"

Can I be called "in the middle"

Happy by herself and books, but will suddenly get this urge to get the kuf out of there and explore the world
Needs intellectual stimulation, but also drawn to 'pure pop'
Loves harmony, but loves argument as well
A feminine tomboy
Can be hair-splitting, but ultimately wants to get to the point
Laid-back, but can get easily angered at real and perceived injustices
Forgives people who are sincerely sorry easily, but for the most part carries her grudges to the grave
Does not like to push others and generally hates being pushed, but in one of my moods will do exactly that and need that
Messy but loves planning

I don't know if I have a guiding life philosophy

Anyway, I'm saying this because I spent time on Myers-Briggs websites, and in all honestly, I feel like I fit in most of the introverted categories

infp, infj, intp, intj, isfp, isfj, istp, istj...

i guess if I had to choose, I'd be somewhere around infp/intp
But just looking at those two wouldn't explain me perfectly.

I'd like just one or two words to sum me up.
But then again, if someone tried to sum me up in one word, I guess I'd be offended - and I have been.

Canada is sexy

I just watched a beautiful documentary comparing the paths of Iceland and Newfoundland.
Both are beautiful lands whose rugged coasts face the Atlantic Ocean, their industries having long relied primarily on fishing.

Here, their similarities end as Iceland declares its independence from Denmark in 1944, while Newfoundland declares itself part of Canada in 1949.

Where are they now?

Iceland is number 2 on the human development index, number 4 in terms of GDP in the world. They have one of the highest literacy rates in the world. They attract immigrants with their high living standards. They still have thriving fisheries.

Newfoundland, on the other hand, is the second poorest province in Canada. It's literacy rate is around 66% - that places them under at least 1/4 of African countries. The fishing industry has been long dead, after years of overfishing, and now all the young are moving to Ontario and Alberta.
It is a developing country within a developed country.
And nobody cares.

The onus may not be entirely on Ottawa's raping, I mean reaping of the profits of Newfoundland's fish. There are a lot of reasons why it may have gone like this. Apparently Newfoundland has had a society rife with social divides and turmoil, while Iceland has had a relatively homogeneous population.

But, something went wrong with Newfoundland - that could have been prevented. The entry into Canada was, and I dare say, a huge mistake.

Canada has helped out with equalization measures, giving to the poorer provinces. Most recently (2005) Newfoundland and New Brunswick have been given the profits from their off-shore oil-reserves, and are still demanding equalization... In perhaps an outrageous twist, those provinces are asking for equalization even if their gdp per capita turns higher than Ontario - the province that would be providing the payments!

And yet, this pouring in of funds will not be enough. The revival of the Eastern provinces will only take-off when they place due pressure on literacy and the start of their own industries...

---

After learning a number of things about this country from television and university courses...
I'm wondering - what the heck did we learn in middle school and high school?
Why were most of my days spent colouring in the provinces, learning their names and capitals - and not their actual experiences?

What happened from WWII and beyond is worthy of our attention - the plight of the Aboriginals, the seperatist movements of Quebeckers, and the sad decline of the East.
And instead, all I learned in Canadian history was 19th century Canada - about the Eaton's company, Sir John A McDonald, and Louis Riel. And though this is valuable - what relevance really does it have to today's world, except perhaps fueling our random trivia knowledge?
We've got to buckle down and teach children the contemporary issues - else they won't have a chance to care.

To be... or not to be

So as I've done more research,

I'm thinking - do I want to be a lawyer?

I'd told myself that I'd like to do international human rights law - but really, the interesting cases that I've read about would probably come to me perhaps once in my lifetime.

I'd dreamed of
seeing war criminals put in jail,
having rapists convicted with ever longer sentences,
striking down unjust and discriminatory laws,
helping refugee and poor immigrant claims,
slamming corporations and those who commit white-collar crimes...

But the reality of it seems to be
trying to maximize monetary gains in messy family break-ups,
helping corporations justify their unscrupulous tactics,
defending potentially guilty offenders,
and most probably - be engaged in completely mundane tasks of which have no relevance to me except feeding my paycheck (all while dedicating myself 16 hours a day to the job).

My needs for justice will more often than not be unmet. Perhaps I'd slack off because I couldn't identify with what I was doing anymore.
And when it comes down to it - perhaps I am a bit too fragile for the job. High levels of stress have not been met by grace in my case.

I mean, I am capable of being aggressive, impartial, and decisive
- but those are certainly not my strongest enduring traits.

But we'll see.
Constitutional law still holds promise... working as a lawyer for an NGO would probably be ok as well. Anyway, as October approaches, you will hear more thoughts on this...

Stoic or Romantic?

A question that always runs through my mind is -
is it better to be stoic? Or to feel both incredible joy and sadness?

I live with a strange cross-breed of ratio-emotive expression. I can cry and laugh easily - tears come to me easily while watching movies, reading books, even listening to music - but at the time I do it, I can still make a decision in which I'm emotionally against...
I do have 'philosophical' beliefs as to why I should make decisions that lead to best future consequences ---
But perhaps it's not my natural position. Perhaps it feeds my low stamina - as I am always fighting this natural urge...

Or is acting in opposition to my feelings may just be plain old maturity.

Rain and my Korean identity

Ah, the sound of summer rain.

And the cool air wafts through my windows to ease the frustrating heat.
Cars go by and one can hear those refreshing swoosh/splash sounds
Even the light thunder is soothing to my ears...
I feel surrounded, touched, cooled... even sexy in this kind of weather.

Anyway, I don't know what is happening, but lately I haven't been feeling Korea. I don't feel like going back. Why?

1) Language barrier - and subsequent snide remarks about being of Korean-blood while not being able to speak the language
2) Leaving friends behind for another year. Something in me wants to save or salvage past friendships. I don't want to meet people and never see them again. I don't want old friendships to die.
3) Leaving family - as with the last point, I just don't want to go off somewhere... relationship with my parents is a bit weird, I'd like to repair it a bit.
4) I need a job in which I can use a reference. I don't think hagwons in Korea would make it to the reference list.

Also, I've lost that blind love of the land.
I've accepted Canada as my home. And while I tried to straddle the line, being proud of my Korean-Canadian identity, I'm seeing less use for my Korean identity now. I guess I've been indoctrinated with Canadian/Western values.
Being exposed to different races, more often than not, I find myself liking them more than my Korean friends...

I've also been turned off from nationalism by seeing nationalism in action. Two words for it: brutish and ugly
It has led to war and the sacrifice of youth, and more generally the bullying of other races, leading to exclusion and closed-mindedness.

I'm not excluding myself from being Korean-Canadian, but the tone of it is different.

I will still fondly recall the times my grandmother made myuk-guk for me on my birthdays, still fantasize about the Korean war and Korean food, and reminisce about the times I used to learn Korean from this cute block-set my parents bought me...

But I'll know that I'm not bound within this label. That really I'm just a real woman in Canada, and being Korean is only a part of my identity, not the defining characteristic.

I woke up feeling a groggy, bloated, and who knows what else.

and I was disturbed by the distance I have with people.
Analyzing this, it's come down to a lack of trust in people.
I think this happens to people of a delicate construction.
The pains, break-ups, goodbyes, and betrayals of everyday life (yes everyday!) are just too much for my mind and body to take.
So as a defense mechanism, I convince myself that I don't need people really and close myself off.

But then, why do I wake up on mornings like this aching for some real human contact.

I didn't feel so strongly last term and the term before.
I loved my political science classes, because we interacted through debate and presentation - you get to have fun rating other people's skills and trying to one-up others. I was so happy in that setting. And people were friendly, I'd usually make at least 2 or 3 friends in each class. And I liked them because, well all ideas are debateable! You needn't concede that the other person is right, just argue their position with facts and theories. Nothing personal (unless the person was completely making sh- up as they go).

But in my psychology class, everyone has their head up their you-know-what. Nothing is debateable except perhaps which measure should have been used for the experiment, what not. Boring!

Anyway, political science classes did keep me from wanting relationships. But now that that is over, what am I supposed to do?

I have another problem - I do get introduced to a lot of people.
But is it unhealthy to only like a few people out of the many that I meet?
I didn't think so, but perhaps its true. I'm not trusting people enough to give them a chance if they don't fit my 'mould' (like politics, sociological topics, music, current news, books). Just need some patience.

On another related note - there are people who are just so drawn to their media. Their music, their books, their art, their whatever collection. And sometimes, it seems that their hiding behind it. A security blanket or what not. I'm not berating, I'm just saying.
I certainly am.
I know I've said nothing new - but the question comes down to this.

Should I attempt to get along with all types? Or am I ok being to closed-off to different types of people because I'm not that interested?
I guess if I put it that way, I should meet new people, be adventurous open-minded, all that stuff that society loves and makes you feel good.
I guess for me I have to reach out and talk about what I'm interested in.
Because, usually I go along with what the other person talks about - and either choose to speak or not. But perhaps I have to take initiative now...

Book Recommendations

Here are some book recommendations:

History of Love - Nicole Krauss
A pure emotional ride. She shows us the pain and joy in human relations with passion, innocence, and sincerity. And yet.
The book carries an attention-deficit-disorder type motion with it, with its quickness and lateral thinking. She is clever and often hysterical. I cannot believe that she can carry the voice of a dying old man, a 14 year old girl, and a young boy so convincingly. For anyone who wants to feel like they're in love again.

Suite Francaise - Irene Nemirovsky
If Nicole has ADD, Irene is almost overly aware. This book is truly a masterpiece, as Irene has remarkable talents of concentration and precision. The emotions of this book are far more subtle, but as haunting and heart-breaking as any. I personally feel that I've learned more from this book about human nature in general, than I have from any other book. Her scope and precision are just that large. I particularly like how she describes the passions of a 16 year old boy during war - his incredible idealism and all the turbulence of emotions that go with idealism. She writes it with empathy, but also with sorrow as she fears what is in store for the future... For anyone who cares to learn about human nature and war.

I've been awfully slow in my readings.

Let the Northern Lights write your name - Vendela Vida
The Idiot - Fyodor Dosteovsky
Animal Farm - George Orwell
They were decent books. I really appreciated Vendela Vida, but I realize it's more on an emotional level, but there was an intellectual level missing.

I half-read Wind-up bird Chronicles - Haruki Murakami
I hated it. I hate Haruki's characters. I feel that he's just lost, weak, and perverted. That's just my opinion.

I've set out to read
Don Quixote - Something (I forgot the first name) Cervantes
The Portrait of the artist as a young man - James Joyce
Eat Pray Love - Elizabeth Gilbert

Anyway, got to go eat!

I get tired of many people very quickly.

Here's a short list:
80% of psych majors.
One-sided arguers - some specific people - Elisabeth Hasselbeck, some Palestinian/Kosovo Albanian nationalists
80% of women
80% of FOBS
80% of gay men

I'm actually looking forward to Korea - for the money and opportunity to learn Korean. But I am not excited to see more staunch Korean nationalists like my cousins on my mother's side.

70% of nationalists.
80% of Christians.

People I enjoy:
80% of poli sci majors
50% of men
70% of news reporters
20% of gay men (Anderson Cooper and a few others)
20% of women.

I may be a secret misogynist. I'm on it, I'm trying to fix it, I don't know what went wrong.
I've always appreciated some kind of male ideal, cherished it in my heart. Females are: the petty, the cruel, the jealous, the intellectually disinterested, the histrionic, the shrill, the vain... I think perhaps hanging out with guys has somehow reinforced this poor view of women. The men I hang out with always talk about women's looks and not much else. Thus, I started to see women from this outsider's point of view.

There's actually a phobia of women. Actually I probably am more phobic of the "girl" type. I like mature women.

But anyway, the heroic in my book are men who were men, with a gentle side. Robert DeNiro is a prime example of this. (His father was actually gay, I don't know what happened). But Robert DeNiro is just a beautiful actor. He plays this tough guy, a slight temper, calculating, but deep down has this emotion and artistry. You see his mind working, you see his joy and hurt (what a smile) - with his sparse lines. What's not said - that's the beauty of it.
He's not the type of man that I'd date (I don't see the chemistry, I do need someone more playful and loving - more a Dustin Hoffman or Jake Gyllenhaal or Anderson Cooper *wink*), but he's someone I admire and that I have tremendous empathy towards. Same goes with Leon actor Jean Reno (who btw had Charles Sarkozy, France's current president, as his best man at his wedding!!)

Of women I like - Naomi Watts - seems down-to-earth and graceful.

I don't mind Charlize Theron, Mira Sorvino, Michelle Pfieffer, Jodie Foster, Sharon Stone.

Anyway, this was really pointless. Perhaps my friend was right, blogging is for those who have nothing to say! Well it was fun~

Water is Life

Man, I'm thirsty. I think I'll get some water... probably grab some Montclair, good cheap stuff. Ya, actually maybe I'll treat myself to some Evian. Oh, isn't Evian great? It's so lap-able, soft and smooth on my tongue and... huh? Water scare?
What are you talking about?

Water as a scarce resource. Who would have thought?
And yet, fresh bodies of water all over the world are disappearing.
We've seen bits and pieces of this information being disseminated.
For example, the polar ice caps are melting and the Great Lakes (the largest body of fresh water in the world) are massively polluted. The oil refining process in Alberta is taking lakes worth of water that may not be replenishable.

Yet, many of the losses, especially in the 3rd world, are happening under the radar.

More children die from lack of clean drinkable water than from AIDS, malaria, and tuberculosis combined.

The 6th greatest body of fresh water in the world, Lake Chad, has been reduced to 5-10% of its original size. 9 million people rely on this water, and many of them are now leaving the area. This body of water has existed for 20,000 years, and only within the last 70 years is it being reduced with such rapidity.

In many 3rd world regions, including China and India, millions of water refugees are born. These people are forced to leave their homelands because there is not enough fresh water to drink.

And why has the world, the news world, not responded? It is a fault shared by the media and the media consumer. Because water shortage is not an attention-grabbing emotion-evoking issue. People like stories about HURRICANEs and TSUNAMIs, not a story about something as commonplace as water. Here, it seems unreal, almost impossible for us to understand... not enough drinking water? Why don't they just turn on their taps, use a Brita filter or something? But to create fresh water resources requires well-drilling equipment, which requires money - which, well you know the rest.

I've looked up some water-related NGO's
here's a list:

http://www.globalwater.org/
http://www.wateraid.org/uk/
http://www.bloodwatermission.com/
http://www.unicef.org/wes/index_links.html

here's an article:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/1234244.stm

Anyway, there is something that people can do. Donate. Even $5, $10, $20... and more if you can. The beauty of this is that this is simple. There's no ugly partisan issue, no human/social complications. It is a matter of digging holes...

Of course this is small-scale, but small-scale matters. Thousands of villages can be saved.
I generally don't expect more, as I am incredibly wary of a great change in public opinion about this matter. But who knows, perhaps you can inform your local politician, or perhaps you can bring it to the attention of Bono. Who knows. Anyway, I'm out.

As self-respect emerges after a long period of dark, I suppose I should be relieved. In a way I am, but there's something about the past that I have to realize. To realize that I'm better than I'd ever thought.

Looking at the past 2 years, I am ashamed and angry.
Ashamed and angry that I had let myself be treated in a lesser manner than I deserve.
That many of the friendships I've had are so shallow, perhaps because I never let myself be who I really am in front of many people, and the people I wanted to be friends with - I was afraid to pursue.
I was so painstakingly careful in my actions, paranoid of negative judgement by my peers. My whole actions expressed 'I think that you're better than me' when really they aren't.

I'm just so angry that no one helped me out. You know, made me realize that I don't have to do this... that I'm worth more.
People will say, don't blame other people, and I'll say hold your horses, I can do what I want.
I can refuse the judgement thrust upon me, and accept it in my own time - because deep down I know its better to take responsibility.
But at this moment of realization, my anger burns...

Everyone just seems to be hurting, too caught up in their own problems...
well ya, this was an extremely negative post, but I'll be coming back to this later.

Introduction

I'm having serious procrastination problems today. Perhaps that isn't the best way to introduce myself, but hey isn't the internet a place where we sacrifice good first impressions for the truth? =P

I guess not. But right here, I'm making this place a space for everyday doubts, failures, etc all those unpleasant details that remain hidden when we meet and greet each other. Of course, it all has a reason. Firstly, it's just refreshing, and secondly, we can learn to be better people (we?).

My boyfriend has a problem with my need for everything to be put towards improvement of self. "What's wrong with us now?" he says, as though I have an obsessive need to point out faults and correct them. Well that holds some water, but in any case, I'm about progress of the soul. Self-learning, all that wise spiritual stuff that depressed middle-agers aim for and the young and hip laugh at.

Anyway, I have to finish (start) my assignment that's due tomorrow. I'm a little rusty at writing blogs, so bear with me.

This blog will feature things I'm interested in: 1) politics 2) fashion 3) beautiful and intelligent people 4) self-improvement, 5) media (music and books) 6) on whatever else my mind may rove over.