Some say it's a gift... no, it's a curse!

So I'm really good at determining - from your behaviour - your family circumstances.

Within minutes of meeting people I'll start saying:
Hey, by chance, are you a youngest child?
Um, is there any way that your parents came to Canada at a young age?

I make these 'educated' guesses based on people I knew before - and take into consideration things like the way they speak (HUGE) and gesture, and just the overall aura of a person...

But perhaps the flipside of this is that I'm so busy trying to figure the individual out, I get to enjoy them less, and well that just hinders my ability to interact naturally with them.

And in the end, it's not cool to feel like you've got someone figured out.

And I'd like to say that I don't pigeon-hole people...
and indeed there are these great transformations that can take hold of someone, or more commonly people just act differently in different situations. But from a combination of an inclination to generalize and a general disinclination to expend energy to actually find hidden details about a person - well, the person is then categorized. Their file is stored away in my brain.
And what more could happen except to be unnaturally bound to certain roles... which grow stagnant and etc as we are after all, beautiful changers.

So though it seems like a cool trick demonstrating uncanny ability (not unlike the person who can guess your age and weight accurately), in the end, it's truly a hinderance to meaningful interaction.

The true gift would be bringing out the best in everyone. It employs intuition, empathy and energy, and perhaps even luck.

Anyway, I'm trying to break out of this - but how?

So today I learnt what "to not see the wood for the trees" meant.

And damn, it's a good expression, that's all I can say.

Fathers

I feel bad for people who've grown up with estranged from their fathers - either physically or more commonly, emotionally. And there seems to be a larger number than I'd thought (especially among Koreans) who seem to have a distant father. Somehow these men spent 20 years of their child's life acting as if they had no role but to provide money and perhaps punishment had the child misbehaved. (I'm not talking about fathers who are out of the picture, that is another sensitive topic that perhaps we can explore a bit later)

But in the end, our relationship with our parents have a HUGE influence into how we see the world.

Is our world a positive and encouraging place?
Can I get help from the world when I need it?

Do people really care about me no matter what I do?

Can I really trust people?
Etc.

And ya, I do see how it affects people. My boyfriend, though he may have the occasional spat with his father, has the benefit of a father who wants to be in his life. One who enjoys talking to him and enjoys teaching him and quizzing him, etc. The father isn't afraid to be part of his life, he really, in his own way, tries to be there. And I think that produced a certain confidence in my boyfriend, though he'll probably disagree.

But my father, he hesitates. I know he loves me very very much, but on the other hand I feel as though he's almost scared to be in my life. Scared to tell me his thoughts and feelings and what not. Perhaps fearing that I will look upon his thoughts with disdain. Why this happened would be a long story (I have hypothesized why and ya let's just say a sequence of events). But I see that he too suffered from a present yet distant father, who never really gave my father support.

I can see that he's attempting to try. Today he bought me ice cream, he encouraged me about the interview, we talked at length about politics and Jews and America. But it still breaks my heart in a way because, well, you can see that he's expecting to be judged negatively by his own daughter.

How I want him to openly express all this without... fear and insecurity. How I wish he'd be more forceful more like those fathers in the movies, or at least the father of my friends...

but ya as the serenity prayer says, Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things that I can't change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

It really hurts me because I really want to look up to him. He used to be such a fierce figure.

That's what happens to a lot of fierce figures. My dad is 60 now.

I think after 50-55 a lot of these 'fierce figures' turn into softies.

It really... well it really shook me up. My pillar of strength, so dominant and stubborn, now just... well... I don't know what he is.

I was watching the "Perfect spy" some BBC series. And this one guy who had a father who was a con artist.

And he watched his father ruin the lives of innocent people. His father got hugely rich off the church and off of poor families, sending men into debt then suicide etc. And you can see that the boy is torn between loving his father and hating the man that ultimately destroys the lives of others.

Later on, he meets with his father - and his father, having hit a number of rough patches, asks his son for money. And he uses one of his lines he'd always used, on the son. The son looks at him, while the father sheepishly smiles, trying to retain his composure as a father, all the while his eyes glisten with the tears he's trying to fight back.

It was just heartwrenchingly painful... to see this man who had really fallen so far from his powerful position.

And later on the son talks to his wife...
and she was like "who was that?"
and he's like "no one... someone I knew from the past. He was a tiger then. But now he's just a ghost..."

And I knew that feeling. (even though of course, we had very different circumstances, my father is still an upright man).

I'd have to say that, while not as dramatic as in the 'perfect spy', many of our relationships with our fathers is just complicated...

I don't know what to do with this information.

But perhaps we can take solace that this isn't just happening to us, its to most of us. And to know that really no matter what our fathers really love us. And that is the starting point, isn't it?

My expectations must and will change. And to some extent, he'll try to adapt. That's the only hope.

I'm sorry if I can't end off too happy. It's a really sensitive issue for me and well a hard one for me to deal with...

New found spirituality

I haven't wrote in awhile,

Can't say that much has happened
but after reading "Eat, pray, love" I'm seriously considering finding a spiritual teacher.
The whole idea of spirituality without a religion just seemed so flaky to me, something that aging hippie women bought into after some sort of trauma, so after I fell away from my religion I did not bother seeking anything out to substitute for my loss of meaning. Instead I fell into this part-scientific part-apathetic thinking about my soul.
Which is to say, I didn't really believe in a soul.
Instead, I would do things for my own 'preservation', set myself up to win earthly goods and really not knowing why I was here, except as a product of random interactions...

But this book opened up the need that all humans have to find... the divine.
It mentions the ties that bind all the devout in this world - the way they try to find connection with this higher being, the way in which all of them strive to reach a stage in which they feel a 'heavenly love' unlike any love experienced before, the emphasis on different spiritual energies one can possess...

So little by little, I'm finding and creating meaning. I am still confused - am I going for the feeling and its positive added value to my life? Or do I actually want to meet up with God?
Do I see this more as a solution to my earthly problems, or is it the end goal?
And I guess we'll see what develops.
...

Here are my basics:
To see with the eye of the heart (to take in things, not with your eyes which leads to shallow judgements, but with the heart which sees beyond- and things are much more beautiful this way).
Also 'the kingdom of God is within you' (not necessarily the book by Tolstoy, but the idea that whatever God is, it exists deep down inside of you - which can be realized or ignored. Whatever you want can spring from within you - though not being from YOU, but from something that is connected to everything in this world)

this as far as I am.
I'm not even sure if I believe God to exactly be this holiest of holy male figure who is the creator of this universe.
At this point, it's more of a God is goodness, a beautiful and pure goodness...
But it's form, I don't know. Can I pray to it? Or do I pray for it to come. Is it a being or feeling/understanding.
...

Anyway, I'm just at the beginning... we'll see what happens!

Deliberately insensitive

There seems to be growing numbers of those who pride themselves to be unfeeling and callous...

I am currently recoiling from my unnerving experience yesterday
I was prepared to work with boring people, the politically incorrect, etc
but nothing could have prepared me for my partner

I tried to ask him what major he was in
and then he hostilely responded "why do I always have to answer these awkward questions during walksafe shifts? I don't even know you"
I tried to state that this was a process of getting to know each other
and he replied that he doesn't want to, he would never meet me again, I have no right to know and thus the conversation would be pointless.
I was completely appalled - if he doesn't feel like talking, he can just keep to himself, but his spewing seemed so defensive and worse still vainglorious.
I got this feeling that he thought he was oh-so-clever for coming up with such a line, for his flexibility and creativity of thought, his greatness that transcended my herd-like mind.
I tried to rationally argue my point, and when I'd say something to get more out of him, he would shrug.
I couldn't take it anymore and stopped talking to him completely.

finally 3 hours later, I tried again.
We'd walked a girl home, whose gentle brightness was just so refreshing. I'd quipped to him that she was probably my favourite walk.
Then he looked up at the building and said, 'that's pretty high to fall from'
And I said "well you couldn't die from it"
and he said "ya, someone did."
and silence...

He had no charm, just a dark repressed aura surrounding him, you could see it from under his cap. His feet clunked dully against the ground, while he would blankly take out his phone and stare at it. He had glistening blue eyes and I thought what a waste of beauty, on this twisted character.
Conversely, I thought he'd probably been hurt as a child and tried to take a bit of sympathy, but yet...
his need to make me uncomfortable just repulsed me and overcame any positive emotion I could muster.

I've met a couple of people, especially men, who are like this. They've been rejected one time too often. They feel that inspiring discomfort in your heart is equal to power. Well it's not power.
Acting like an ass doesn't make me like you, respect you, or even fear you. You are not the fucking Prince.
....

I shouldn't let it get to me, but honestly, everyday I meet a person more f*cked up then the next. Is this what it is to be sheltered?

Korea and the World

It is a bit late, but I've just been getting in this Korean hostage situation in Afghanistan.

It's sad and intriguing... rife with politics and agendas. The war of ideas, roles, feelings, and beliefs. And in the end, there is still the lives of 22 young naive Koreans to care about.

Questions being asked are whether this is the price the Koreans must pay for joining in on the 'war on Terror' or whether the hostages were taken without actual consideration to whether they were Korean or not, just that they were a foreign group that could be used for trades? Or perhaps it was their Christianity and attempted proselytizing that infuriated the Muslim radicalists.

Meanwhile, sections of the Korean people are surely blaming this on Korea's efforts in Iraq. The anti-war groups are capitalizing upon this opportunity to capture the hearts of Koreans to stop sending troops. Nevermind the anti-US groups...

Koreans are then asking Ban Ki-Moon to use his status as UN secretary-general to save the Korean hostages. Surely in Ban-Ki Moon's heart he would want to move mountains for these people, but who is he anyway? He may be a Korean national, but he's also frontman of the organization that unites and represents the world. He can't make special exceptions for the Koreans... can he?

And then, the Americans are desperate not to have any more pullouts disrupt their mission and wish not to fan the flames of the fickle Korean populace and disturb an already fragile relations, but they sure as hell do not, as of yet, want to negotiate with the terrorists. US House of Representatives just passed the resolution put forward by Mike Honda which demands Japan to apologize to WWII sex slaves, of which Korea has demanded for 50 years. Now is this timing coincidental? I think not. And Japan is definitely not happy about being called out by the US for previous war crimes.

And yet the Korean government, while wanting to keep strong relations with the US, must balance this out with managing local concerns. Korea, one of the most strongly nationalistic countries, has seen a barrage of protests and candlelight vigils over this matter. They need to show resolve... But how?
They've taken measures such as refusing to allow Koreans to travel to Afghanistan, punishable by law. Is this a political move, trying to avoid further drama in the world's stage or is it the paternalistic aspect of which Asian countries are so famous for, taking care of their 'children'. I suspect its more political... but who knows. And what about the workers there? Do all of them want to leave? Or are some of them unfairly being kept away from their life's calling?

Even stranger, is the situation for the tiny tiny minority of Muslim Arabs in Korea. Yes, they do exist! They've issued several statements, had photo-ops of praying in their mosques for the hostages...

The more zealous Christians are calling this an attack on Christianity. I saw that on one blog, referring to this situation, commenting that Christianity is the most victimized religion in the world. Wow the absolute stupidity of that comment made me want explode. If anything Christianity has been victimized by... Christianity. And perhaps reason. But whatev.

But of course, the remaining 22 hostages, their grieving families... it's hard to report on their condition - but if you just look at the pictures, it hits home. These are real individuals going through real trauma...
And in this world today... I don't believe in simple solutions... but in the case of saving these 22 people's lives... I do hope and even pray for one.