I feel like I need to travel the world.
See the world's poor and feel compassion again.

These days, I can't keep other people in my mind for more than a couple of hours.
I do the motions, joining groups, being interested in books, but none of this sets me on fire.

I feel like I need to recentre myself, such as structure the way I am, my identity - to see what I'd like to achieve for the future.
Identity's a big issue. Who am I, and is what I'm doing/thinking/feeling reflecting that?

I watched "Shake Hands with the Devil"
and I was just so moved. A great work, displaying the courage and just amazing moral character of General Romeo Dallaire during the Rwandan Genocide.

I was so shocked that he cared so much for the 'innocents'.

I feel like I've given up. Though in conversations with others, I retain an optimistic and progressive view of the world, that things, with the application of effort into smart initiatives, will get better.
But deep down, I feel those smart initiatives are too few. I believe that the effort will not be enough.
And that the people to respond will not respond.

Everyday I walk with this burden in my heart, that no change will occur. Then it becomes a why bother.

Perhaps it's my own lack of intelligence - or rather ability to think of these initiatives myself...
I'm currently in a group trying to promote the rights of North Korean refugees in Canada and abroad.

I have decent plans for this.
The people around me though, I am not sure whether they value organization and applying strategy to our efforts.
Like, they don't want posters, they don't want to go on the street and talk to people, they don't know which groups to contact,
everything seems automatic to them, while I only see hardwork ahead of us.

And yet, I feel like I should then try and take a leadership position.
But I detest it. I can't. I faintly see the outlines of plans forming, but I can never pull them into the concrete and workable. There always seems to be too much ground to cover.
I don't believe in my own ablity to lead them. I always feel my position is better as adviser than actual at the front delegating tasks.
It just goes deep down to my lack of faith in my own vision and know-how.

..

Anyway as I said, I feel like I need to travel the world, to give me the passion again. And the experience to enrich me with know how.

Man, so the life situation is getting better than ever.

Who knew I would love the working world?

Well, it's not that I LOVE my work place, I enjoy it for the most part... but the parts that get to me most are accomplishing something daily, having no homework, and with having no homework - being able to devote to friends, family, and other joys.

Oh that and being in Toronto.
I realize... I need to live in a city of at least 2 million.
At least!

But ya I love the luxury of having extra cash. Not that I make so much. But today I got to take out my family for food and a little bit of drinking and it was really good.
I think I'll make it a bi-monthly thing.
I was getting tired of retail therapy anyway.
It's true. I've tried to be fashionable, and it lasted a good week of non-stop shopping, but really there's only so much you need.

Like the gains from the first few items were great - I was just like whopee, I want to buy everything. But after awhile, the feeling I got lessened - decreasing returns-to-scale in a dramatic way.

And it's not like I'm restrained by this feeling of guilt, I just don't have a strong interest in clothes.
I want to look comfortably pretty, not stunning or impecable.
Just not something I aim for. (unless of course, it's a special occasion... I'm dressing up more)

Which reminds me - guys only pick me up when I'm with my friends. And this is not because they are picking up my friends and I'm just there. I think that guys are attracted by me in motion.

It's true, when I'm just standing still - I can't say I'm gorgeous. I probably look tired with my slightly downward slanting eyes and unfeminine jaw line.

But when I get animated and start smiling, well I guess that's my strong point when it comes to guys. Guys aren't actually completely vain.
I just thought that was a neat thing.

Do I wish I were prettier? Of course. I could tell you just what I don't like about me, and I quip to Xiaodi that I'd like to get surgery.
But for the most part, I'm happy with what I've been given and strive to gently refine my looks, my brains, and my spirit (oh and my health).
And yes, here in Toronto, it's all happening. Oh yea.

I keep forgetting to blog.
Well how are we here. I've had a 360 from the last time I've blogged.
Had a nasty client who told me that she "doesn't have time for me" and abruptly hung up.
This is what happened.
She, the office manager of a law firm, is supposed to enter some information, and send it to me. Somehow she sent me the wrong information.
As I read it back to her, she got angry thinking that I had gotten it wrong. Of course, at that point, I wasn't sure that she was the one who had made the mistake.
I told her I'd call her back once I'd figured everything out.

I get someone to call her back - and we find that she has to uninstall some program - and they direct her to me! I am not responsible for uninstalling of programs, tech support is, but I still get the call dumped on me.
So as I talk to her, I am hesitating to talk - and then she yelled at me and hung up.

I was so angry. Honestly, I wanted to tell her she must be mad at the world because she was born an idiot, and she's taking her anger out on me - who was trying to help her.
But of course, I didn't. In the end I calmed down but geez, the nerve of some people.
I'm thinking I'm gonna come out of the working world with some thicker skin.
It'll be good for me.

I did talk to the sweetest person - calling from Washington University law school - top 10 law school - and man this woman was just so enthusiastic and nice. School admin == love their job, Office manager of a law firm == not so much love their job? It was a good note to end the day.

In the meantime, I have to do things I love - so I checked out 'eastern promises' with my friend. Let me just say now, I love Viggo Mortenson! Or however you spell his name. But wow... that was some sexy character he portrayed.
I'm going to go on a retreat this weekend, involved with raising awareness for North Korea. I'll tell you how that goes.
See ya.

So I missed blogging yesterday
but I had a very bad day yesterday.

As it happens, after work - I am completely drained. I cannot care properly about anything for 2 hours after work. That I must give my attention to small details for 8 hours (sometimes more because I want to make a good impression), just completely drains me.
I don't know if all workers feel like this - or it is just the consequences of a bad fit for the job.
I'm beginning to be wary of becoming a lawyer.

Anyway, so I'm drained, a bit cranky.
I went to the mall to wait for Xiaodi, and I went to Zara to try on a skirt for work.
There, waiting in line - it came to my turn. There was a room free - but the people who worked there weren't paying attention and kept folding their clothes for some time.
I was getting impatient and finally interrupted them and said 'can I go into that room'?
And the girl just said 'no you can't' in a hostile voice. And then her friend/co-worker began to laugh.

I was friggin mortified. I flung the skirt on their pile and I left.
How... could their service be so bad? How could she just snap at that? How could the other laugh? It was just so beyond unprofessional - it was just... I don't know what to say.
And at the worst time. If I had not just gotten off 9 hours of work, I could have handled it better. But at this stage I was just angered, frozen and in the end just miserably depressed at the world.

And I thought - is this what work is creating in us?
For me it was stress and fragility
for her it was creating her to be the biggest bitch (she should really be fired, and perhaps it would be best for her).

I really would like to know - is this how all working people feel?

I guess blogging's short term revival has sort of well.... needed some kind of shock jolt. So I shall attempt to blog everyday. You know, writing a journal is good for your well-being.

Well, I'm like really wanting to go somewhere.
No, and really it's not because I hate this place.
It's more that I have a thirst for engaging experience, exploration, and give me another word that starts with an e. To embrace energizing environments...

something like that.

It's much more an approach model than an avoidance one - which I mean is my motivation.
Those who approach go towards goals - to gain positive experience. Those who avoid go away from punishing or punishing situations.
Many times in life there is usually a mix of these motivations in any decision, but people tend to have orientations.
Behavioural-inhibitory system (BIS)- avoidance patterns
and behavioural-activation system (BAS) - appetitive patterns
Any psych majors in the house?

Anyway, this was a slight digression to the point that I want to travel for the sake of enjoying myself.
My job is alright, my coworkers are nice, and my family situation is getting better. It's a gentle slope up.
But it's also made me aware of previous fallacies of thought - such as the weight I'd put on the importance of job and the corresponding lack of weight I'd put on the importance of simple and deep enjoyments.
Of good conversation, music, food, and art.
Discovering this I'd also found the fallacy of believing my super emotionality as a flaw.
I mean this learning experience is just SO rewarding in itself, but I'm really discovering the world is at my fingers - and I have the right to enjoy.

-

I want to go to Iceland, Europe (Ok, Iceland's part of europe, but it's not on the continent ya know?), India, South America.
Which is a problem - because Xiaodi wants to go see Asia, in which I'm not so impressed.

--

Even though I'm like falling in love with the world again and rediscovering opportunities, it's just a bit funny that I'm working in a job for which I am overqualified and yet underpaid and understimulated.
But it has good lessons in itself. For example, I realized that I'd had a long standing complex - feeling not... like I could be accepted in an office environment. This is proving to me that an office/corporate experience is not half as daunting as I'd thought it would be.
I also had a bit of an anxiety problem before this job, and a corresponding social anxiety. This has helped me (along with the doctrine of just enjoying life) to get over my fears.
Finally I'm getting up early, learning to be more organized... things that I needed to get in my life right away.

The pay isn't that bad - but we'll see.

----

I think one thing is - I'm just so happy to be out of Waterloo. The whole homework thing hanging over your head, the ugly area, the lack of family life around the area (a pure university town), and the lack of just the great things about urban life.
Ya, homework - something you have to worry about all the time - is just not fun is it?
I like how you can work and just relax.

---

Anyway, when I talk to conservatives, 2 have told me that I've articulated the liberal's point of view better than anyone they've encountered. While this is flattering - I am worried about the state of political arguments today.
I think a lot of liberals - generally have good intentions - but aren't very... thoughtful about the whole thing. They take their doctrines for granted - as fundamental truths - that do not need explanation, only exasperation at attempts to argue it. Hey, I was like this too. I find that a lot were indoctrinated in high schools by left-wing school teachers - and these views were taken as fact.
I'd actually avoided the title of liberal because well - I don't want to be stuck in doctrine.
Anyway, I've come to my beliefs and arguments now, from what I can say are more intelligent 'liberals' than I am. So, I'm actually quite disappointed that there seems to be this divide, in which there is little exposure to ideas that oppose one's own) It's a shame that conservatives and liberals don't get more meetings of the mind.

Anyway, that's my rant for now. I hope to write more tomorrow.

Some say it's a gift... no, it's a curse!

So I'm really good at determining - from your behaviour - your family circumstances.

Within minutes of meeting people I'll start saying:
Hey, by chance, are you a youngest child?
Um, is there any way that your parents came to Canada at a young age?

I make these 'educated' guesses based on people I knew before - and take into consideration things like the way they speak (HUGE) and gesture, and just the overall aura of a person...

But perhaps the flipside of this is that I'm so busy trying to figure the individual out, I get to enjoy them less, and well that just hinders my ability to interact naturally with them.

And in the end, it's not cool to feel like you've got someone figured out.

And I'd like to say that I don't pigeon-hole people...
and indeed there are these great transformations that can take hold of someone, or more commonly people just act differently in different situations. But from a combination of an inclination to generalize and a general disinclination to expend energy to actually find hidden details about a person - well, the person is then categorized. Their file is stored away in my brain.
And what more could happen except to be unnaturally bound to certain roles... which grow stagnant and etc as we are after all, beautiful changers.

So though it seems like a cool trick demonstrating uncanny ability (not unlike the person who can guess your age and weight accurately), in the end, it's truly a hinderance to meaningful interaction.

The true gift would be bringing out the best in everyone. It employs intuition, empathy and energy, and perhaps even luck.

Anyway, I'm trying to break out of this - but how?

So today I learnt what "to not see the wood for the trees" meant.

And damn, it's a good expression, that's all I can say.

Fathers

I feel bad for people who've grown up with estranged from their fathers - either physically or more commonly, emotionally. And there seems to be a larger number than I'd thought (especially among Koreans) who seem to have a distant father. Somehow these men spent 20 years of their child's life acting as if they had no role but to provide money and perhaps punishment had the child misbehaved. (I'm not talking about fathers who are out of the picture, that is another sensitive topic that perhaps we can explore a bit later)

But in the end, our relationship with our parents have a HUGE influence into how we see the world.

Is our world a positive and encouraging place?
Can I get help from the world when I need it?

Do people really care about me no matter what I do?

Can I really trust people?
Etc.

And ya, I do see how it affects people. My boyfriend, though he may have the occasional spat with his father, has the benefit of a father who wants to be in his life. One who enjoys talking to him and enjoys teaching him and quizzing him, etc. The father isn't afraid to be part of his life, he really, in his own way, tries to be there. And I think that produced a certain confidence in my boyfriend, though he'll probably disagree.

But my father, he hesitates. I know he loves me very very much, but on the other hand I feel as though he's almost scared to be in my life. Scared to tell me his thoughts and feelings and what not. Perhaps fearing that I will look upon his thoughts with disdain. Why this happened would be a long story (I have hypothesized why and ya let's just say a sequence of events). But I see that he too suffered from a present yet distant father, who never really gave my father support.

I can see that he's attempting to try. Today he bought me ice cream, he encouraged me about the interview, we talked at length about politics and Jews and America. But it still breaks my heart in a way because, well, you can see that he's expecting to be judged negatively by his own daughter.

How I want him to openly express all this without... fear and insecurity. How I wish he'd be more forceful more like those fathers in the movies, or at least the father of my friends...

but ya as the serenity prayer says, Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things that I can't change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

It really hurts me because I really want to look up to him. He used to be such a fierce figure.

That's what happens to a lot of fierce figures. My dad is 60 now.

I think after 50-55 a lot of these 'fierce figures' turn into softies.

It really... well it really shook me up. My pillar of strength, so dominant and stubborn, now just... well... I don't know what he is.

I was watching the "Perfect spy" some BBC series. And this one guy who had a father who was a con artist.

And he watched his father ruin the lives of innocent people. His father got hugely rich off the church and off of poor families, sending men into debt then suicide etc. And you can see that the boy is torn between loving his father and hating the man that ultimately destroys the lives of others.

Later on, he meets with his father - and his father, having hit a number of rough patches, asks his son for money. And he uses one of his lines he'd always used, on the son. The son looks at him, while the father sheepishly smiles, trying to retain his composure as a father, all the while his eyes glisten with the tears he's trying to fight back.

It was just heartwrenchingly painful... to see this man who had really fallen so far from his powerful position.

And later on the son talks to his wife...
and she was like "who was that?"
and he's like "no one... someone I knew from the past. He was a tiger then. But now he's just a ghost..."

And I knew that feeling. (even though of course, we had very different circumstances, my father is still an upright man).

I'd have to say that, while not as dramatic as in the 'perfect spy', many of our relationships with our fathers is just complicated...

I don't know what to do with this information.

But perhaps we can take solace that this isn't just happening to us, its to most of us. And to know that really no matter what our fathers really love us. And that is the starting point, isn't it?

My expectations must and will change. And to some extent, he'll try to adapt. That's the only hope.

I'm sorry if I can't end off too happy. It's a really sensitive issue for me and well a hard one for me to deal with...

New found spirituality

I haven't wrote in awhile,

Can't say that much has happened
but after reading "Eat, pray, love" I'm seriously considering finding a spiritual teacher.
The whole idea of spirituality without a religion just seemed so flaky to me, something that aging hippie women bought into after some sort of trauma, so after I fell away from my religion I did not bother seeking anything out to substitute for my loss of meaning. Instead I fell into this part-scientific part-apathetic thinking about my soul.
Which is to say, I didn't really believe in a soul.
Instead, I would do things for my own 'preservation', set myself up to win earthly goods and really not knowing why I was here, except as a product of random interactions...

But this book opened up the need that all humans have to find... the divine.
It mentions the ties that bind all the devout in this world - the way they try to find connection with this higher being, the way in which all of them strive to reach a stage in which they feel a 'heavenly love' unlike any love experienced before, the emphasis on different spiritual energies one can possess...

So little by little, I'm finding and creating meaning. I am still confused - am I going for the feeling and its positive added value to my life? Or do I actually want to meet up with God?
Do I see this more as a solution to my earthly problems, or is it the end goal?
And I guess we'll see what develops.
...

Here are my basics:
To see with the eye of the heart (to take in things, not with your eyes which leads to shallow judgements, but with the heart which sees beyond- and things are much more beautiful this way).
Also 'the kingdom of God is within you' (not necessarily the book by Tolstoy, but the idea that whatever God is, it exists deep down inside of you - which can be realized or ignored. Whatever you want can spring from within you - though not being from YOU, but from something that is connected to everything in this world)

this as far as I am.
I'm not even sure if I believe God to exactly be this holiest of holy male figure who is the creator of this universe.
At this point, it's more of a God is goodness, a beautiful and pure goodness...
But it's form, I don't know. Can I pray to it? Or do I pray for it to come. Is it a being or feeling/understanding.
...

Anyway, I'm just at the beginning... we'll see what happens!

Deliberately insensitive

There seems to be growing numbers of those who pride themselves to be unfeeling and callous...

I am currently recoiling from my unnerving experience yesterday
I was prepared to work with boring people, the politically incorrect, etc
but nothing could have prepared me for my partner

I tried to ask him what major he was in
and then he hostilely responded "why do I always have to answer these awkward questions during walksafe shifts? I don't even know you"
I tried to state that this was a process of getting to know each other
and he replied that he doesn't want to, he would never meet me again, I have no right to know and thus the conversation would be pointless.
I was completely appalled - if he doesn't feel like talking, he can just keep to himself, but his spewing seemed so defensive and worse still vainglorious.
I got this feeling that he thought he was oh-so-clever for coming up with such a line, for his flexibility and creativity of thought, his greatness that transcended my herd-like mind.
I tried to rationally argue my point, and when I'd say something to get more out of him, he would shrug.
I couldn't take it anymore and stopped talking to him completely.

finally 3 hours later, I tried again.
We'd walked a girl home, whose gentle brightness was just so refreshing. I'd quipped to him that she was probably my favourite walk.
Then he looked up at the building and said, 'that's pretty high to fall from'
And I said "well you couldn't die from it"
and he said "ya, someone did."
and silence...

He had no charm, just a dark repressed aura surrounding him, you could see it from under his cap. His feet clunked dully against the ground, while he would blankly take out his phone and stare at it. He had glistening blue eyes and I thought what a waste of beauty, on this twisted character.
Conversely, I thought he'd probably been hurt as a child and tried to take a bit of sympathy, but yet...
his need to make me uncomfortable just repulsed me and overcame any positive emotion I could muster.

I've met a couple of people, especially men, who are like this. They've been rejected one time too often. They feel that inspiring discomfort in your heart is equal to power. Well it's not power.
Acting like an ass doesn't make me like you, respect you, or even fear you. You are not the fucking Prince.
....

I shouldn't let it get to me, but honestly, everyday I meet a person more f*cked up then the next. Is this what it is to be sheltered?

Korea and the World

It is a bit late, but I've just been getting in this Korean hostage situation in Afghanistan.

It's sad and intriguing... rife with politics and agendas. The war of ideas, roles, feelings, and beliefs. And in the end, there is still the lives of 22 young naive Koreans to care about.

Questions being asked are whether this is the price the Koreans must pay for joining in on the 'war on Terror' or whether the hostages were taken without actual consideration to whether they were Korean or not, just that they were a foreign group that could be used for trades? Or perhaps it was their Christianity and attempted proselytizing that infuriated the Muslim radicalists.

Meanwhile, sections of the Korean people are surely blaming this on Korea's efforts in Iraq. The anti-war groups are capitalizing upon this opportunity to capture the hearts of Koreans to stop sending troops. Nevermind the anti-US groups...

Koreans are then asking Ban Ki-Moon to use his status as UN secretary-general to save the Korean hostages. Surely in Ban-Ki Moon's heart he would want to move mountains for these people, but who is he anyway? He may be a Korean national, but he's also frontman of the organization that unites and represents the world. He can't make special exceptions for the Koreans... can he?

And then, the Americans are desperate not to have any more pullouts disrupt their mission and wish not to fan the flames of the fickle Korean populace and disturb an already fragile relations, but they sure as hell do not, as of yet, want to negotiate with the terrorists. US House of Representatives just passed the resolution put forward by Mike Honda which demands Japan to apologize to WWII sex slaves, of which Korea has demanded for 50 years. Now is this timing coincidental? I think not. And Japan is definitely not happy about being called out by the US for previous war crimes.

And yet the Korean government, while wanting to keep strong relations with the US, must balance this out with managing local concerns. Korea, one of the most strongly nationalistic countries, has seen a barrage of protests and candlelight vigils over this matter. They need to show resolve... But how?
They've taken measures such as refusing to allow Koreans to travel to Afghanistan, punishable by law. Is this a political move, trying to avoid further drama in the world's stage or is it the paternalistic aspect of which Asian countries are so famous for, taking care of their 'children'. I suspect its more political... but who knows. And what about the workers there? Do all of them want to leave? Or are some of them unfairly being kept away from their life's calling?

Even stranger, is the situation for the tiny tiny minority of Muslim Arabs in Korea. Yes, they do exist! They've issued several statements, had photo-ops of praying in their mosques for the hostages...

The more zealous Christians are calling this an attack on Christianity. I saw that on one blog, referring to this situation, commenting that Christianity is the most victimized religion in the world. Wow the absolute stupidity of that comment made me want explode. If anything Christianity has been victimized by... Christianity. And perhaps reason. But whatev.

But of course, the remaining 22 hostages, their grieving families... it's hard to report on their condition - but if you just look at the pictures, it hits home. These are real individuals going through real trauma...
And in this world today... I don't believe in simple solutions... but in the case of saving these 22 people's lives... I do hope and even pray for one.

Joe Biden

I'll write about him later,

but here's a decent article (I'd like to find you a good one, but I really should be getting to sleep now).

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1644834,00.html

Job and future

Ya guys
Exciting times here.
So I went for the interview and honestly, I astounded even myself with how awesome I was. Muhahaha. Ok slight exaggeration but it seems that all the years volunteering have actually helped my competency in dealing with people, especially when they too are concerned with social justice.
I must also thank my human resources course
- remember folks, at an interview, always maintain eye contact, smile, and nod. According to psych studies, this accounts for 80% of the variance in being chosen.

But seriously, it seemed like a great fit - the people were young, comfortable, mellow, yet passionate... just the way I like it. It could have gone other ways, people could have been too uptight, too in-your-face, or just too boring. Going for a job requires a fit in two ways: you suiting the organization, and the organization suiting you.

So I'm daydreaming a bit more...
this job may not translate immediately to the dollar bills, but it's something where I think I'd learn 1) leadership skills 2) social skills. And it would make use of my 1) need and ability for independent work and 2) passion for social justice.

Anyway, so I'm happy, and I'm like wow how many jobs are out there for me?

I want to be a lawyer, but somewhere along the way I'd also love to pick up a political science MA. I'd love to do something requiring travelling to post-conflict sites and start the rebuilding process. That's one of my goals. And perhaps, depending on how well I do, teach law for a bit. Write some political non-fiction. Perhaps pick up a counselling MA as well. And maybe... just maybe... when I'm like 50, go into politics. But that's much later...
What I'm wanting to do soon is some volunteering for the environment... get up to speed on environmental issues around the world and do my part... in Iceland, India, Peru, Russia...

I know I said I was going to go to Korea but I realized that I didn't have much to learn there, only a paycheck to receive.
I don't want to teach bratty children English. I don't want to be surrounded by Koreans for 1 year. I don't want to work for a Korean slave driver. I don't want to see my relatives... yet. I'd like to see them when you know I've got a sweet job. I don't want to forego an opportunity to learn valuable skills and gain a Canadian reference. I don't want to be separate from my family and friends.
Those are my reasons...

I guess what this means is that things come up. New sentiments arise, new ideas to pursue... that's the nature of being young, adventurous, and able is it not?

Anyway, I promise, next post no more talk about jobs and the future~ Got to change it up you know?

Peace~~

Job Search

The Job search is on... and I am getting decent response

I've had so far 2 people contact me for interviews for an administrative assistant position,
1 interview for Japan (which I skipped out on).
1 for community justice organized, and 1 for canvassing part-time.

I'm getting a decent amount, I think because I know how to manipulate a resume, but at the same time... perhaps I'm just aiming too low.

I talked to my friend the other day and he said I could go straight for marketing and advertising positions to make more money.
I don't know what he meant by that but it sure made me less excited about being an administrative assistant.

I'm really undecided on what type of job I want. The jobs that I have now are giving me experience and skill for my later jobs (of perhaps lawyer)... you know, they are building blocks, and I got to make sure I got the right blocks, don't I?
As community justice organizer, I'd be out there in a somewhat leadership position, organizing groups to help people inform lower-income families abut their rights in renting situations, and more. But I'd be losing out on having a traditional job experience...
With administrative assistant - I would have some kind of office experience, and hone my organizational skills. Be in a climate with strict deadlines, all that to give me some discipline. Of course, it would probably be an atmosphere of less independence, more boredom...

Also, I am worried about finances, I would love to at least halve my enormous debt, and make some on the side to travel to at least one different country.
But at the same time, as my parents say, if I do things right, right now, I won't have to worry about money later on.

At this age, I guess it's really trying to find the balance between the present and the future. I feel like graduation is my first step into adulthood. Its exciting and nerve-wracking... even for someone who has at least one of their end goals figured out.

Without school and without anxiety problems, I can freely think about what I want from this life... my previous myopia is now reaching clear sight... I see the things that I've missed out on, and I'm beginning to desire again human relationships... good travels... faithfulness to my morals...

Anyway, I actually want to postpone getting a job until October... need to focus on the LSAT!
Which is just killing me...

Law School 2

So they found that people who were more 'pessimistic' tended to do better in law school than those who were 'optimistic'
This is in an outdated study - 1995 - but let's see if it has anything to it.
Pessimistic people are always looking for what is wrong, while these things tend to be under the radar of optimistic individuals.
Thus, in law school, if one is always vigilant to positions that are weak, illogical, etc, I suppose that would make a great grades in law school.

But this is only law school... I'm thinking people who are successful outside of school "aka life" tend to have a healthy balance between these two. They know to be on the look out, yet need to be optimistic about opportunities to strive towards them - and not burn themselves out.

But this need for pessimism may explain the high depression and suicide rates among lawyers.

I think I would really enjoy being knowledgeable and professional in telling clients their legal choices, being a legal counsel.
One of my favourite things is finding out new information, and then advising my friends of my findings. I like being of some benefit and having weight in the matter. I enjoy research and analysis and I enjoy being right. I think these are good prerequisites for law.

Immigration law, mediation, environmental law, properties/wills, family, constitutional law, these are the more social, more emotionally engaging areas of law that I'm looking into.

My dream of course, is to be an international human rights lawyer... but it almost seems like just a dream...

ah, see, I've got that pessimism.

Working out and pain

After a long stretch of ignoring my body, I've set some goals to get in shape and feel good IN my body (I think I have a decent body to begin with, it just so happens that this sluggishness that I have makes me feel bad =P)

So here they are:

to stretch everyday

to jog/do aerobic every other day
go swimming once a month

to get massages from professionals every 3 months

to be able to do front splits within 3 months

and chinese (side) splits within 6 months

to be able to jog 10k in a year and a half

to get a black belt in 3 years

my goodness, lately I've been doing stretches and I'm just baffled at how inflexible I've become. I used to be able to touch my toes with little problem, and now it's like my body can't go past perpedicular angles.

Ridiculous.

Anyway, I was a bit zealous about this whole thing and while I was stretching today I actually almost cried from the stretch. Some people say that jogging until you fallover seems like a masochistic thing to do, but try stretching beyond your limit. It is frikking the most painful thing in the world (short of child-birth, but then again, that is another type of stretching in itself....)

I tried to hold in my expression, but I realized that venting this expression - actually making pained faces - actually increased my tolerance to this pain. The more I expressed this pain, the longer I could take it.

This might be the reason why women have higher tolerances to pain - we just express our pain physically~

It's like breathingt I suppose.

The pain is like the carbon in your body - and if you try to hold it in, well you'll just feel like exploding -

but breathe it out, and this carbon can continually course through your body naturally... the pain can continually course through your body... at safer more tolerable amounts

Isn't that crazy? I wonder why expression is just so important to renewing our bodily and mental health...

Any thoughts?

Anyway, I've learned that I'm not supposed to stretch until I feel pain... only until 'mild discomfort', else I'm going to injure myself! I already feel that sharp pain on knees... if only I'd read that earlier!

Then again, I wouldn't have come to this observation... which is really cool.

Actually, I'm starting to like psychology again - this course, neuroeconomics, really shows how fascinatingly complex we are...

we really don't have humans all figured out, at least not our internal workings. The 'why' business has often been left to philosophers who can't really prove their point. Go psychology and the scientific method!!

The wise learn from their mistakes

I'm not sure if it's been said exactly in that manner, but I'm definitely paraphrasing an old idea that is so relevant to all of us.

I guess one of the more important words in this sentence is 'mistake'.

What is a mistake?

Of course, it's something we've done wrong

- but what constitutes the content in the mistake... where is the wrongness?

I guess my short answer is, wherever the action has led to an unnecessary harm...

all these of course, are hard to say for certain without knowledge of the future. Because a certain harm caused now may be seen as having been fortuitous in the future. Many times we've looked back and recognized that ah yes, things have happened for the best, even though at that time... we were completely dreading it.

I'm not about to define for you what for certain is a mistake, but to outline the simpler and more common mistakes.

A very common mistake made is when we give ourselves fully and freely to others, with little regard for their character

this act of youthful foolishness causes a great pain for all who commit it. For certain there have been those who either abused this act of love or who have overlooked it...

and the rawness of this open-hearted pain is just so much, too much to bear

and so learning from this experience

many decide not to trust again

Of course this act is not an isolated act.

Soon after recovery, we decide to trust somewhat fully

and then another one comes to throw this trust away

After several incidences, many learn

to simply stop trusting.

And that, is the hidden mistake.

Well, hidden for people like me. To others, they don't commit this mistake and thus it isn't hidden.

But for people like me, the lesson that we learned to protect ourselves was taken too far, and thus becomes at worst a self-sabotaging mechanism, and at best a hindrance to our goals. For what are we on earth, except to truly get to know, appreciate, and even love one another...

...

In the end, what is recommended is a calm attentiveness to our actions, a gentle self-reflection of our thoughts.

Reflecting on your thoughts is hard.

Because you are thinking, and just say you are thinking about pain.

You tend to go on and on about that pain, and what caused it, and what you should do. This is not calm, usually this is attended by with rage or anxiety. It only prolongs that pina.

But to actually stop, and look at what you are saying to yourself, how it reflects what you think and feel about the world and the others around you... What you think others think of you.

Are all these things true?

Is there not some chance that you are actually exaggerating this because well, you've been so used to exaggerating and so used to criticizing yourself and well... it's hard to catch what you've grown up with all your life...

Anyway this isn't as short a blog as I wanted

but slightly detached analysis upon analysis upon your thoughts and feelings can lead to some productive changes to your 'stagnant' way of being.

And I suggest that whatever clarity derived from actions like this should not end up with a manic-like joy into which you base your entire life actions on, but a soft and subtle epiphany, which should always be there to gently remind you the next time around... else you may end up head-first into another mistake

but then again, that might deprive you of another learning experience! Yet experience suggests mistake after mistake is hardly healthy for the soul, so enjoy your successes and be humane towards yourself!

Check the US

When they fall, they fall hard.

So lately in media reports, it's always about George Bush's declining rate and the need to pull out of Iraq,
and I must be mad or something, but this news slightly infuriates me.

Why? Not that I'd want to see him in power, ever since 2004 have I been waiting for 2008. Not that I'd ever supported the Iraq War.
But it's a culmination of factors.

1) Lack of loyalty: Though a democracy should not have unquestioned kings, I'm appalled at the Conservatives now who are running, not walking, away from being associated with Bush or the Iraq war. Were they not spouting his praise only a few years back?
Ah, human fickleness.

2) The process of scapegoating: Many people now are trying to distance themselves from Bush and the Iraq War. But someone has to be responsible right? Who is the most widely known (and hated) of all? George Bush. So let's just put more blame on him.

3) The bandwagon (conformity): Goddamn, I hate the bandwagon, but it's such a fundamental part of our social behaviour. But if certain leaders (or the cool kids) decide to dislike him, and the guy to the left and right of you dislike him, hey, why not you? It certainly doesn't come at a cost to you, and you really respect that leader's opinion, and that friend of your is really well-spoken, and ya, you guess you don't have that much information so... you might as well blindly put yourself forth with hating Bush. Gee, I'm really glad we have fought for the freedom of thought.

This is most evident in the support for Iraq. An increasing number of journalists are coming out with increasingly blind bias against the Iraq War. There is no weighing of the two sides. The lack of analysis by politicians in the Iraq War is just phenomenal.
First, the reason why Iraq is somewhat akin to a hell on earth is due mostly to the invastion and perhaps the first 2-3 years, not the most recent ones.
But if invading Iraq started problem, is pulling out the solution?

No, what they are doing now is a sort of maintenance work, in which new tactics must be revived to try and restore some peace to Iraq.

Honestly, when I see people only starting to write about the atrocities of Iraq now, I'm like where were you 4 years ago???? You're just trying to make a gain with this popularized sentiment that the war is bad.

Did you not know that in war there are always unwanted casualties? Rape and systematic killings? I'm guessing this is just human nature. Having suppressed critiquing the war for years, you suddenly jump at ever higher heights to go full blast on this administration. You are encouraged by the heads nodding in agreement. All you need to say is, 'Bush Bad' and you get applause. Yet this moment of emboldenment has turned your rationality on cruise control and you cruise into the same mistake made by the administration itself.

For years, Saddam Hussein was killing Kurds by the thousands, first displacing them into crowded villages which were subsequently gassed.
And the US did nothing.
10 years later, they decide that this is almost reason enough to invade Iraq again. This is also 10 years after the gassing stopped.

The correct questions are not being asked!! There is low regard for consequentialism or something. Isn't the right question: How does this effect the people involved? how is this going to help? Are there any problems caused by this? How can we solve or at least mitigate the harmful effect...

I refuse to believe that we are at the pinnacle of human rationality.
We're digressing if anything.
F*cking will to power shit.
Hey, so I've never been to Iraq and I can't locate it on a map, I'm still know more about what to do with Iraq than that guy who has a phD and like studied Iraq all his life. Ya, if I will it, it must be true!

What's going to happen to Iraqis when we pull out? Af*cking lifetime of ethnic cleansing and instability.

Think Afghanistan post-Soviet invasion.

I could talk about how at the root of all this mess is a lack of education coupled with democracy. It shouldn't happen! And yet it does...
anyway, I'll continue later, I think I've said enough this time around.

My time as a student

First year:

I started Waterloo as a young girl, hoping to meet like-minded peoples, who loved music, books, and going out. Instead, I met a group of engineers and mathies who loved to party... it was good times, but like-minded people I found none.

Academically, in my first term, I really kicked-ass in math. I got 80's and 90's. I actually cried in front of my algebra professor when I had gotten an 80 on my exam. Yes, I was one of those kids.
The second term, I took a philosophy course which blew my mind. It also blew my grades, as I'd gotten in touch with this deeper metaphysical side - and laid aside my need to do well in my courses. I'd actually gotten 50's in all my math courses.
After that, my knack for math could never be revived. I'd continuously struggle with 70's in math courses from there.

Anyway, first year was where all the action was at. I'd had mad crushes on 3 guys, made out with two of them, had tons of friends, and had tons of guys telling me they liked me. You could say I'd had it made... but deep down I'm sensitive. All this really took a toll on me. I dislike rejection on both sides... (if you can tell, I've almost stopped flirting completely)

I'll talk about the crush that I never got. Because those are always more fun to talk about aren't they? His nickname was Jesus. He had been a leader of the Korean Campus Crusade for Christ. He was a principled character, devoted to God. Gave his first paycheck to the church, second to his parents, and third he split among his friends. He'd never had a girlfriend and was waiting for 'the one'...
Through a friend, I'd finally gotten to meet him. We gathered to eat pizza at the library (in which I'd lived... yes I'd actually bring my toothbrush during exam times). Seeing us and the pizza, he dropped to his knees, and his hand grazed my knee (causing my heart to skip a beat). Why he did this I don't know. I asked him something, and he blushed. He made jokes, and he exclaimed in korean "i am a pencil". I don't know what that meant, but I liked his zany offbeat humour. When I'd see him around campus, I could tell he had a deep inner life. For example, while he was studying, he'd wear his hoodie over his head, deep in thought about his homework. Cliche as it sounds, it seemed to me that he didn't care so much what the average person thought of his behaviour. Now, that is immensely appealing...

Anyway, to sum up first year - it was definitely not what I'd expected. I hadn't met that 'soul-mate' group, but I did find many... guys. I'd basically thrown away my desire to complete math - but I'd try to stick through with it to please my parents.

Second year:

I did decently in my courses - nothing spectacular though. I'd no love for math by then. I'd become depressed after the summer for a variety of reasons.

I lived with one of my old friends and two of her acquaintances. It was not good. I'd been given the smallest room and basically didn't have much to say to them.

By this time, the guys and the friends were gone. I'd basically go to the library, go home... and that was it. The once thriving social life was gone.

I took some arts courses - and I loved them. Psychology was easy and I loved philosophy. I'd told my dad that I wanted to do philosophy - then he told me that females in philosophy don't get married.
And thus, after writing my last stats exam, I'd decided to switch to psychology.

Third year:

I started off fresh in psychology courses. They were incredibly easy compared to math. I'd joined a charity club. Here was my first taste of bureaucracy. Unfortunately, I'd been stuck with some close-minded and ineffective planners... and none of my ideas came to fruition, and instead we relied on selling Cinnabons - in which with 4 hours of work, we'd make $20... I never went back.

I'd become a Christian, and found a group of first years which I'd really enjoyed taking care of. We'd do everything together, walking around campus until 2 in the morning, just joking about.
But the flipside to this was that I'd met some close-minded girls who refused to accept my more liberal interpretations of the bible. They tried to ingrain the idea that hell actually was a pit of fire. Didn't stick, but it sure made me insecure about expressing my real opinions.

My favourite professor is a young idealistic man, who recited poetry and song lyrics in our 'peace and conflicts' class. I am enamoured with his love of life and his knowledge about the cold war. Yet, I noted the shiny wedding band on his finger as he waved his arms talking about russian spies, and I'd subsequently had to abandon my heart's cry.

At this time I was incredibly sensitive and had wished to start fresh and fit in. But the truth would be that I didn't fit in. I couldn't accept this and so I walked on egg-shells making sure that what I'd say would be 'appropriate'. So though I'd gotten on the honour roll this year, I had a miserable time, and at the end developed a panic disorder.

Fourth year:

I was trying to recover from the panic disorder. I tried to find solace in God, which was strange because it was probably meeting people who found solace in God that helped create the panic disorder in the first place.
I moved in with some people from the Korean Christian Fellowship. And we discuss matters. And I start to question it more. I am a bit confused as to why Christianity leads to an anti-Gay position, and why Christians aren't really moved by the plight of the poor.

For example, in asking for donations for charity, many Christians chose not to give because they were 'students'. Funny, because I just saw them eat out at East Side Mario's the night before, but I held my tongue.

I shouldn't have.

I join the World University Services of Canada and Amnesty International. Second taste of bureaucracy. I take a leadership position - and I am incredibly happy. I get to discuss matters with people and am actually working towards helping a refugee come to our school. I get sent to conferences and hold public events. I meet a friend whom was much more adept at practical matters, but loved me and relied on me to make sure that 1) he didn't go crazy 2) he could have good conversations about God and the world. We sometimes butted heads, but ya, man I miss him.

I take a political science class. I love it. I take another one, and I can say that it was the best class I've ever taken. Having been set up in a debate format - it was thrilling to try and come up with a tight argument and response. My group defended the position that Asian values were not relevant to the democratization of Asian countries. Though my marks in political science were not as high, I decide to do a double major. Perhaps the best decision I'd made all university long.

I get my first part-time job in years. Walksafe. I meet a ton of cool people. Realize that it's a job where you literally do nothing for 5 hours. Am slightly upset at the waste of it, but stay silent because this is how I get paid.

Fifth year:

I enjoy thoroughly all my political science classes. I like the people I meet. I stay relatively to myself though. I've become incredibly introverted by this time.
I kick ass in my law class. Think - perhaps I should go this route.

Because of a roommate problem, I develop social anxiety and depression. It's a strange depression though. Because it doesn't have an extreme affective component. There was no sadness, only a dreadful lethargy and a dry well of emotion.

I am part of the UW International Development Student Conference. I enjoy my time there, but start to realize that these bureaucratic environments really do not work for me. There are no perks. We don't get into any intellectual discussions nor even bother feigning congeniality. Instead, there is a strange silence that surrounds our group. Many things remain unsaid - our whole group thought that one of our co-ordinators was incompetent. But no one actually says or does anything about it. Only at the end did people loosen up and talk about their true feelings...

I enjoy the company of the old Walksafe workers, can't seem to find anything interesting to talk about with the new. Meet the first gay guy that I actually really like. His way of speaking really loudly and his long-windedness make me laugh. He's incredibly knowledgeable about politics and generally a very encouraging responsible character... We get along pretty well.

Also meet a modern day communist. Though we disagreed on many points, me angering him a lot for refusing to stick it to the man, we have invigorating discussions. And he's changed my mind on things more than I'd like to admit (though less than he probably wanted).

I hang out with James Pyo and group much more. I feel happy to be in a laid back group that likes to sit at coffee shops and talk about whatever. By this time, my interests and beliefs in Christianity have waned. And it's all good because these people accept that. I watch their astoundingly beautiful act at "darfur". I wasn't aware that I had friends THIS talented. I am proud to be their 'groupie'. Anyway, the 'collegial' spirit among us is actually reminiscent of high school times... probably because most of them are from the same high school, but as I said, it's really nice to be in a group.

I love my eastern european professors. They work on international development and ethnicity issues respectively. Both are nuanced, compassionate, and well they just look SO cute! They are both very open - one tells me about her failed marriage, the other his dying father... In any case, I feel like I can relate to them... and feel that they really liked me. It's nice to be liked.

In the end:

To sum up the years here, it's truly the people that you meet that make it what it is.
I've met some close-minded people (of which I have now a phobia)
and brilliant and warm people, whom I will remember forever...

Anyway, there's a lot to say and sum up but I will leave it at this was definitely a rollercoaster ride in which I've learned from tremendously...

The Student as a Lover

Over the top, yet inspiring

One of our own

Who is this guy? Does he work at the Turnkey Desk??

Wow

http://youtube.com/watch?v=VfbfS37Swuk

Kosovo: Personal lessons learned

To acquire knowledge, one must study,
but to acquire wisdom , one must observe
- M Savant

(observe AND experience!)

Lately, I've become interested in the United Nation's participation in Kosovo and the treatment of Serbs in an Albanian-dominated Kosovo.
You might have heard about the Kosovo bombings by NATO in 1999, in which Serbs were deemed to be involved in ethnic cleansing of the Albanians. More than 800,000 Albanians fled Kosovo, thousands being killed, wounded, and raped.
Now 8 years later, it is the Serb-minority in Kosovo that is constantly being harassed by local Albanians, with an attempt of 'ethnic cleansing' of the Serbs as recent as 2004.

I've tried to chat about this in an Albanian Facebook group, "Appeal for an independent Kosovo".

And with the little wisdom I had, I tried to engage in a discussion about the Serbs, hoping to generate brainstorming of plans of which to deal with this problem.

What was I thinking?

Their minds were totally consumed by the enormity of pain and damages caused in 1999 and their 'eternal' hatred of Serbians.
I tried to state that they should look out for the Serbians because it would reduce political instability and get greater support from the EU, and thus attract more foreign investments (it was the poorest region in the former Yugoslavia).
I tried to use examples of the politicians that were putting their hatred aside and being hailed by the UN, trying to state that it can and should be done.
All my arguments were to no avail.

Since I'd brought up the Serbs, everything from my information, allegiance, intelligence, and ethnicity was questioned and immediately put down.
They told me that I didn't know anything (despite having read at least 15 different books and articles).
They relied steadfastly on information, of which the reports that I've read contradicted entirely (I attributed this misinformation to the Albanian's notoriously biased reporting).
Then they would make emotional appeals about what happened in 1999 oh the Tragedy!
And then they'd pat themselves on the back. 'Oh Meljos, good job! You put that beautifully.'

I couldn't believe it. I had done the research with an sympathetic eye towards the Albanians for what happened in 1999. But it was all overlooked. I'd been accused of being a Serbian supporter. Effectively, I became disliked by all the Albanian-nationalists, and in turn, my position against them hardened, my sympathies drying up. A rather unpleasant experience.

After complaining to Xiaodi about this rather frigid, actually downright rude reception, he told me that I can't approach emotional experiences like this from an academic perspective.
After looking at my experiences with people (I've offended more than one person with my views), I'd realized that I was coming at this from the wrong orientation.

I forget that political science is limited to a group that reads and critiques papers - many times far removed from the actual events.
Political science often favours the acquirement of power and stability above morality. It downplays the role of the individual, in favour of the entire system. It prides itself on being above emotional reactions - a rational study of humans - a science.

These biases within political science, I'd once critiqued... yet in my actual experience I carried them blindly. And to think, I'd actually prided myself for having a balanced view of means and ends. I'd always argued against the 'ends justify the means' response and yet... in wishing to satisfy an intellectual need for a plan, I'd ignored and objectified the people affected.

I now consider this experience a wisdom acquired.

Still, I don't know what to do with these people. I've learned what not to do, but hopefully observation and experience will lead me to be more human in my response.

From this - it seems that wisdom is knowledge placed effectively... yes, I'd like some more wisdom...

Don't cry for me South Korea...

I've become quite cynical of the Korean-Canadian community at the moment

When I think of them, I can't help but associate them with having worst of both worlds.
If Koreans are known to be one-track minded yet ambitious, while Canada is more open-minded yet middling - Korean Canadians seem to have be doomed with mediocrity because of its myopia.

I've tried time and again to fit in with them, but perhaps to the detriment of my mental health. If any of this comes off as too negative, well you are free to stop reading.

But what shall I make of this culture that has no true ties with either Canada or Korea. They are a group without a significant history, who recognize only the plight of their parents and nothing before that, nothing that surrounded that. Their roots are shallow.
Little do they know about the history of Korea or Canada.
Little do they care about the history of Korea or Canada.
Instead, they inebriate themselves with limited cultures, with unreasoned religion and pop culture. Demonstrating zero passions towards all else.
I can only say this so clearly because I've been there. Completely. Tried to immerse myself in this too.
There can be a good side, I guess you can say they are especially demonstrative and affectionate with each other. Strong ties are created. Yet at the same time, this bond seems to demand a price - and the price is independence. What's left is conformity and strong punishments for outliers. Perhaps this is why certain Koreans just feel so alienated.
A person I know just recently dyed his hair, and he was completely obsessed with how the others would react to it. He thought the whole church would judge him. He fretted about while we tried to console him. Having two people respond in a not positive way on his facebook - he freaked out and dyed his hair back.
While he was doing this, I couldn't help but think - what is he doing? Why does he care so much? The whole 'well if you don't like it, it's your loss' mentality was lost on him. It was of utmost importance what the group thought...

My favourite quote has been "Intelligence in chains loses in lucidity, what it gains in intensity.
-Albert Camus"
I don't know if it was intended to be, but I see it with an open-ended view.
Lucidity or intensity are caught within a balancing act, and with Korean Canadians - well there's a lot of intensity there, that's all I can say.

I can only look upon it with regret. Especially comparing it to the South Asian community. Those who come with it have a strong linkage to their past and a strong linkage to whichever society they come to inhabit.
As Sen pointed out, there are writers for the Toronto Star which highlight the South Asian community's successes. There are numerous Indian politicians, such as Navdeep Bains. I can recall that the UW International Health Development Agency was started by South Asians. The South Asian events at Waterloo are wonderful - they partake in Indian dances. I look towards Koreans and I can tell you they would never be caught dead doing Korean dances. It's all about hip hop and break-dancing, perhaps some Britney type pop. Ok, there was a Korean politician - Ben Chin, former newscaster. And that was exciting for me. But these things are just too few and far between.

Sometimes I think perhaps this is because of our past circumstances - many people came here from lower middle-class families, simply looking to get a job, and so perhaps there was just a deficit of information for proper community building, while many Indians have come with their well-to-do families and abundance of ties as well as tools to build communities.
Or perhaps it was Korea's long-standing dictatorship that just flushed out political impulses among the common people, while India has had a democracy, fostering the political - whether it marry itself to the arts and what not.

Maybe it's like the Japanese thing. So quick to throw away what is ours. The pro-Westerners have won, having us succeed economically, but at the cost of a deep and thriving living culture.

I know I've come down perhaps a bit too harsh on 'my people', but it was only because I expected so much from them. I loved them, like I loved myself.

"Don't cry for me South Korea
The truth is I never left you
All through my wild days
My mad existence
I kept my promise
Don't keep your distance

Have I said too much?
There's nothing more I can think of to say to you
But all you have to do is look at me
To know that every word is true"

Who... no, what am I??

One thing that frustrates me is that I don't really know who I am.

Like in Bitter Sweet Symphony, "I'm a million different people from one day to the next"

Can I be called "in the middle"

Happy by herself and books, but will suddenly get this urge to get the kuf out of there and explore the world
Needs intellectual stimulation, but also drawn to 'pure pop'
Loves harmony, but loves argument as well
A feminine tomboy
Can be hair-splitting, but ultimately wants to get to the point
Laid-back, but can get easily angered at real and perceived injustices
Forgives people who are sincerely sorry easily, but for the most part carries her grudges to the grave
Does not like to push others and generally hates being pushed, but in one of my moods will do exactly that and need that
Messy but loves planning

I don't know if I have a guiding life philosophy

Anyway, I'm saying this because I spent time on Myers-Briggs websites, and in all honestly, I feel like I fit in most of the introverted categories

infp, infj, intp, intj, isfp, isfj, istp, istj...

i guess if I had to choose, I'd be somewhere around infp/intp
But just looking at those two wouldn't explain me perfectly.

I'd like just one or two words to sum me up.
But then again, if someone tried to sum me up in one word, I guess I'd be offended - and I have been.

Canada is sexy

I just watched a beautiful documentary comparing the paths of Iceland and Newfoundland.
Both are beautiful lands whose rugged coasts face the Atlantic Ocean, their industries having long relied primarily on fishing.

Here, their similarities end as Iceland declares its independence from Denmark in 1944, while Newfoundland declares itself part of Canada in 1949.

Where are they now?

Iceland is number 2 on the human development index, number 4 in terms of GDP in the world. They have one of the highest literacy rates in the world. They attract immigrants with their high living standards. They still have thriving fisheries.

Newfoundland, on the other hand, is the second poorest province in Canada. It's literacy rate is around 66% - that places them under at least 1/4 of African countries. The fishing industry has been long dead, after years of overfishing, and now all the young are moving to Ontario and Alberta.
It is a developing country within a developed country.
And nobody cares.

The onus may not be entirely on Ottawa's raping, I mean reaping of the profits of Newfoundland's fish. There are a lot of reasons why it may have gone like this. Apparently Newfoundland has had a society rife with social divides and turmoil, while Iceland has had a relatively homogeneous population.

But, something went wrong with Newfoundland - that could have been prevented. The entry into Canada was, and I dare say, a huge mistake.

Canada has helped out with equalization measures, giving to the poorer provinces. Most recently (2005) Newfoundland and New Brunswick have been given the profits from their off-shore oil-reserves, and are still demanding equalization... In perhaps an outrageous twist, those provinces are asking for equalization even if their gdp per capita turns higher than Ontario - the province that would be providing the payments!

And yet, this pouring in of funds will not be enough. The revival of the Eastern provinces will only take-off when they place due pressure on literacy and the start of their own industries...

---

After learning a number of things about this country from television and university courses...
I'm wondering - what the heck did we learn in middle school and high school?
Why were most of my days spent colouring in the provinces, learning their names and capitals - and not their actual experiences?

What happened from WWII and beyond is worthy of our attention - the plight of the Aboriginals, the seperatist movements of Quebeckers, and the sad decline of the East.
And instead, all I learned in Canadian history was 19th century Canada - about the Eaton's company, Sir John A McDonald, and Louis Riel. And though this is valuable - what relevance really does it have to today's world, except perhaps fueling our random trivia knowledge?
We've got to buckle down and teach children the contemporary issues - else they won't have a chance to care.

To be... or not to be

So as I've done more research,

I'm thinking - do I want to be a lawyer?

I'd told myself that I'd like to do international human rights law - but really, the interesting cases that I've read about would probably come to me perhaps once in my lifetime.

I'd dreamed of
seeing war criminals put in jail,
having rapists convicted with ever longer sentences,
striking down unjust and discriminatory laws,
helping refugee and poor immigrant claims,
slamming corporations and those who commit white-collar crimes...

But the reality of it seems to be
trying to maximize monetary gains in messy family break-ups,
helping corporations justify their unscrupulous tactics,
defending potentially guilty offenders,
and most probably - be engaged in completely mundane tasks of which have no relevance to me except feeding my paycheck (all while dedicating myself 16 hours a day to the job).

My needs for justice will more often than not be unmet. Perhaps I'd slack off because I couldn't identify with what I was doing anymore.
And when it comes down to it - perhaps I am a bit too fragile for the job. High levels of stress have not been met by grace in my case.

I mean, I am capable of being aggressive, impartial, and decisive
- but those are certainly not my strongest enduring traits.

But we'll see.
Constitutional law still holds promise... working as a lawyer for an NGO would probably be ok as well. Anyway, as October approaches, you will hear more thoughts on this...

Stoic or Romantic?

A question that always runs through my mind is -
is it better to be stoic? Or to feel both incredible joy and sadness?

I live with a strange cross-breed of ratio-emotive expression. I can cry and laugh easily - tears come to me easily while watching movies, reading books, even listening to music - but at the time I do it, I can still make a decision in which I'm emotionally against...
I do have 'philosophical' beliefs as to why I should make decisions that lead to best future consequences ---
But perhaps it's not my natural position. Perhaps it feeds my low stamina - as I am always fighting this natural urge...

Or is acting in opposition to my feelings may just be plain old maturity.

Rain and my Korean identity

Ah, the sound of summer rain.

And the cool air wafts through my windows to ease the frustrating heat.
Cars go by and one can hear those refreshing swoosh/splash sounds
Even the light thunder is soothing to my ears...
I feel surrounded, touched, cooled... even sexy in this kind of weather.

Anyway, I don't know what is happening, but lately I haven't been feeling Korea. I don't feel like going back. Why?

1) Language barrier - and subsequent snide remarks about being of Korean-blood while not being able to speak the language
2) Leaving friends behind for another year. Something in me wants to save or salvage past friendships. I don't want to meet people and never see them again. I don't want old friendships to die.
3) Leaving family - as with the last point, I just don't want to go off somewhere... relationship with my parents is a bit weird, I'd like to repair it a bit.
4) I need a job in which I can use a reference. I don't think hagwons in Korea would make it to the reference list.

Also, I've lost that blind love of the land.
I've accepted Canada as my home. And while I tried to straddle the line, being proud of my Korean-Canadian identity, I'm seeing less use for my Korean identity now. I guess I've been indoctrinated with Canadian/Western values.
Being exposed to different races, more often than not, I find myself liking them more than my Korean friends...

I've also been turned off from nationalism by seeing nationalism in action. Two words for it: brutish and ugly
It has led to war and the sacrifice of youth, and more generally the bullying of other races, leading to exclusion and closed-mindedness.

I'm not excluding myself from being Korean-Canadian, but the tone of it is different.

I will still fondly recall the times my grandmother made myuk-guk for me on my birthdays, still fantasize about the Korean war and Korean food, and reminisce about the times I used to learn Korean from this cute block-set my parents bought me...

But I'll know that I'm not bound within this label. That really I'm just a real woman in Canada, and being Korean is only a part of my identity, not the defining characteristic.

I woke up feeling a groggy, bloated, and who knows what else.

and I was disturbed by the distance I have with people.
Analyzing this, it's come down to a lack of trust in people.
I think this happens to people of a delicate construction.
The pains, break-ups, goodbyes, and betrayals of everyday life (yes everyday!) are just too much for my mind and body to take.
So as a defense mechanism, I convince myself that I don't need people really and close myself off.

But then, why do I wake up on mornings like this aching for some real human contact.

I didn't feel so strongly last term and the term before.
I loved my political science classes, because we interacted through debate and presentation - you get to have fun rating other people's skills and trying to one-up others. I was so happy in that setting. And people were friendly, I'd usually make at least 2 or 3 friends in each class. And I liked them because, well all ideas are debateable! You needn't concede that the other person is right, just argue their position with facts and theories. Nothing personal (unless the person was completely making sh- up as they go).

But in my psychology class, everyone has their head up their you-know-what. Nothing is debateable except perhaps which measure should have been used for the experiment, what not. Boring!

Anyway, political science classes did keep me from wanting relationships. But now that that is over, what am I supposed to do?

I have another problem - I do get introduced to a lot of people.
But is it unhealthy to only like a few people out of the many that I meet?
I didn't think so, but perhaps its true. I'm not trusting people enough to give them a chance if they don't fit my 'mould' (like politics, sociological topics, music, current news, books). Just need some patience.

On another related note - there are people who are just so drawn to their media. Their music, their books, their art, their whatever collection. And sometimes, it seems that their hiding behind it. A security blanket or what not. I'm not berating, I'm just saying.
I certainly am.
I know I've said nothing new - but the question comes down to this.

Should I attempt to get along with all types? Or am I ok being to closed-off to different types of people because I'm not that interested?
I guess if I put it that way, I should meet new people, be adventurous open-minded, all that stuff that society loves and makes you feel good.
I guess for me I have to reach out and talk about what I'm interested in.
Because, usually I go along with what the other person talks about - and either choose to speak or not. But perhaps I have to take initiative now...

Book Recommendations

Here are some book recommendations:

History of Love - Nicole Krauss
A pure emotional ride. She shows us the pain and joy in human relations with passion, innocence, and sincerity. And yet.
The book carries an attention-deficit-disorder type motion with it, with its quickness and lateral thinking. She is clever and often hysterical. I cannot believe that she can carry the voice of a dying old man, a 14 year old girl, and a young boy so convincingly. For anyone who wants to feel like they're in love again.

Suite Francaise - Irene Nemirovsky
If Nicole has ADD, Irene is almost overly aware. This book is truly a masterpiece, as Irene has remarkable talents of concentration and precision. The emotions of this book are far more subtle, but as haunting and heart-breaking as any. I personally feel that I've learned more from this book about human nature in general, than I have from any other book. Her scope and precision are just that large. I particularly like how she describes the passions of a 16 year old boy during war - his incredible idealism and all the turbulence of emotions that go with idealism. She writes it with empathy, but also with sorrow as she fears what is in store for the future... For anyone who cares to learn about human nature and war.

I've been awfully slow in my readings.

Let the Northern Lights write your name - Vendela Vida
The Idiot - Fyodor Dosteovsky
Animal Farm - George Orwell
They were decent books. I really appreciated Vendela Vida, but I realize it's more on an emotional level, but there was an intellectual level missing.

I half-read Wind-up bird Chronicles - Haruki Murakami
I hated it. I hate Haruki's characters. I feel that he's just lost, weak, and perverted. That's just my opinion.

I've set out to read
Don Quixote - Something (I forgot the first name) Cervantes
The Portrait of the artist as a young man - James Joyce
Eat Pray Love - Elizabeth Gilbert

Anyway, got to go eat!

I get tired of many people very quickly.

Here's a short list:
80% of psych majors.
One-sided arguers - some specific people - Elisabeth Hasselbeck, some Palestinian/Kosovo Albanian nationalists
80% of women
80% of FOBS
80% of gay men

I'm actually looking forward to Korea - for the money and opportunity to learn Korean. But I am not excited to see more staunch Korean nationalists like my cousins on my mother's side.

70% of nationalists.
80% of Christians.

People I enjoy:
80% of poli sci majors
50% of men
70% of news reporters
20% of gay men (Anderson Cooper and a few others)
20% of women.

I may be a secret misogynist. I'm on it, I'm trying to fix it, I don't know what went wrong.
I've always appreciated some kind of male ideal, cherished it in my heart. Females are: the petty, the cruel, the jealous, the intellectually disinterested, the histrionic, the shrill, the vain... I think perhaps hanging out with guys has somehow reinforced this poor view of women. The men I hang out with always talk about women's looks and not much else. Thus, I started to see women from this outsider's point of view.

There's actually a phobia of women. Actually I probably am more phobic of the "girl" type. I like mature women.

But anyway, the heroic in my book are men who were men, with a gentle side. Robert DeNiro is a prime example of this. (His father was actually gay, I don't know what happened). But Robert DeNiro is just a beautiful actor. He plays this tough guy, a slight temper, calculating, but deep down has this emotion and artistry. You see his mind working, you see his joy and hurt (what a smile) - with his sparse lines. What's not said - that's the beauty of it.
He's not the type of man that I'd date (I don't see the chemistry, I do need someone more playful and loving - more a Dustin Hoffman or Jake Gyllenhaal or Anderson Cooper *wink*), but he's someone I admire and that I have tremendous empathy towards. Same goes with Leon actor Jean Reno (who btw had Charles Sarkozy, France's current president, as his best man at his wedding!!)

Of women I like - Naomi Watts - seems down-to-earth and graceful.

I don't mind Charlize Theron, Mira Sorvino, Michelle Pfieffer, Jodie Foster, Sharon Stone.

Anyway, this was really pointless. Perhaps my friend was right, blogging is for those who have nothing to say! Well it was fun~

Water is Life

Man, I'm thirsty. I think I'll get some water... probably grab some Montclair, good cheap stuff. Ya, actually maybe I'll treat myself to some Evian. Oh, isn't Evian great? It's so lap-able, soft and smooth on my tongue and... huh? Water scare?
What are you talking about?

Water as a scarce resource. Who would have thought?
And yet, fresh bodies of water all over the world are disappearing.
We've seen bits and pieces of this information being disseminated.
For example, the polar ice caps are melting and the Great Lakes (the largest body of fresh water in the world) are massively polluted. The oil refining process in Alberta is taking lakes worth of water that may not be replenishable.

Yet, many of the losses, especially in the 3rd world, are happening under the radar.

More children die from lack of clean drinkable water than from AIDS, malaria, and tuberculosis combined.

The 6th greatest body of fresh water in the world, Lake Chad, has been reduced to 5-10% of its original size. 9 million people rely on this water, and many of them are now leaving the area. This body of water has existed for 20,000 years, and only within the last 70 years is it being reduced with such rapidity.

In many 3rd world regions, including China and India, millions of water refugees are born. These people are forced to leave their homelands because there is not enough fresh water to drink.

And why has the world, the news world, not responded? It is a fault shared by the media and the media consumer. Because water shortage is not an attention-grabbing emotion-evoking issue. People like stories about HURRICANEs and TSUNAMIs, not a story about something as commonplace as water. Here, it seems unreal, almost impossible for us to understand... not enough drinking water? Why don't they just turn on their taps, use a Brita filter or something? But to create fresh water resources requires well-drilling equipment, which requires money - which, well you know the rest.

I've looked up some water-related NGO's
here's a list:

http://www.globalwater.org/
http://www.wateraid.org/uk/
http://www.bloodwatermission.com/
http://www.unicef.org/wes/index_links.html

here's an article:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/1234244.stm

Anyway, there is something that people can do. Donate. Even $5, $10, $20... and more if you can. The beauty of this is that this is simple. There's no ugly partisan issue, no human/social complications. It is a matter of digging holes...

Of course this is small-scale, but small-scale matters. Thousands of villages can be saved.
I generally don't expect more, as I am incredibly wary of a great change in public opinion about this matter. But who knows, perhaps you can inform your local politician, or perhaps you can bring it to the attention of Bono. Who knows. Anyway, I'm out.

As self-respect emerges after a long period of dark, I suppose I should be relieved. In a way I am, but there's something about the past that I have to realize. To realize that I'm better than I'd ever thought.

Looking at the past 2 years, I am ashamed and angry.
Ashamed and angry that I had let myself be treated in a lesser manner than I deserve.
That many of the friendships I've had are so shallow, perhaps because I never let myself be who I really am in front of many people, and the people I wanted to be friends with - I was afraid to pursue.
I was so painstakingly careful in my actions, paranoid of negative judgement by my peers. My whole actions expressed 'I think that you're better than me' when really they aren't.

I'm just so angry that no one helped me out. You know, made me realize that I don't have to do this... that I'm worth more.
People will say, don't blame other people, and I'll say hold your horses, I can do what I want.
I can refuse the judgement thrust upon me, and accept it in my own time - because deep down I know its better to take responsibility.
But at this moment of realization, my anger burns...

Everyone just seems to be hurting, too caught up in their own problems...
well ya, this was an extremely negative post, but I'll be coming back to this later.

Introduction

I'm having serious procrastination problems today. Perhaps that isn't the best way to introduce myself, but hey isn't the internet a place where we sacrifice good first impressions for the truth? =P

I guess not. But right here, I'm making this place a space for everyday doubts, failures, etc all those unpleasant details that remain hidden when we meet and greet each other. Of course, it all has a reason. Firstly, it's just refreshing, and secondly, we can learn to be better people (we?).

My boyfriend has a problem with my need for everything to be put towards improvement of self. "What's wrong with us now?" he says, as though I have an obsessive need to point out faults and correct them. Well that holds some water, but in any case, I'm about progress of the soul. Self-learning, all that wise spiritual stuff that depressed middle-agers aim for and the young and hip laugh at.

Anyway, I have to finish (start) my assignment that's due tomorrow. I'm a little rusty at writing blogs, so bear with me.

This blog will feature things I'm interested in: 1) politics 2) fashion 3) beautiful and intelligent people 4) self-improvement, 5) media (music and books) 6) on whatever else my mind may rove over.