As self-respect emerges after a long period of dark, I suppose I should be relieved. In a way I am, but there's something about the past that I have to realize. To realize that I'm better than I'd ever thought.
Looking at the past 2 years, I am ashamed and angry.
Ashamed and angry that I had let myself be treated in a lesser manner than I deserve.
That many of the friendships I've had are so shallow, perhaps because I never let myself be who I really am in front of many people, and the people I wanted to be friends with - I was afraid to pursue.
I was so painstakingly careful in my actions, paranoid of negative judgement by my peers. My whole actions expressed 'I think that you're better than me' when really they aren't.
I'm just so angry that no one helped me out. You know, made me realize that I don't have to do this... that I'm worth more.
People will say, don't blame other people, and I'll say hold your horses, I can do what I want.
I can refuse the judgement thrust upon me, and accept it in my own time - because deep down I know its better to take responsibility.
But at this moment of realization, my anger burns...
Everyone just seems to be hurting, too caught up in their own problems...
well ya, this was an extremely negative post, but I'll be coming back to this later.
2 comments:
I have to say though, I think you're on the ball about this.
Everyone is so caught up in their own baggage, overburdened by they-don't-even-know-what.
Anyway though, I read this article the other day that said the self-esteem movement of the late 80's, early 90's helped create a whole generation of narcissists .
"I'm just so angry that no one helped me out. You know, made me realize that I don't have to do this... that I'm worth more."
Well if that's the case, someone should have stopped me from enrolling in Waterloo Math - because Waterloo is full of nerds and Math is difficult and boring. I think most people can think back to a time when "someone could have helped".
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