Fathers

I feel bad for people who've grown up with estranged from their fathers - either physically or more commonly, emotionally. And there seems to be a larger number than I'd thought (especially among Koreans) who seem to have a distant father. Somehow these men spent 20 years of their child's life acting as if they had no role but to provide money and perhaps punishment had the child misbehaved. (I'm not talking about fathers who are out of the picture, that is another sensitive topic that perhaps we can explore a bit later)

But in the end, our relationship with our parents have a HUGE influence into how we see the world.

Is our world a positive and encouraging place?
Can I get help from the world when I need it?

Do people really care about me no matter what I do?

Can I really trust people?
Etc.

And ya, I do see how it affects people. My boyfriend, though he may have the occasional spat with his father, has the benefit of a father who wants to be in his life. One who enjoys talking to him and enjoys teaching him and quizzing him, etc. The father isn't afraid to be part of his life, he really, in his own way, tries to be there. And I think that produced a certain confidence in my boyfriend, though he'll probably disagree.

But my father, he hesitates. I know he loves me very very much, but on the other hand I feel as though he's almost scared to be in my life. Scared to tell me his thoughts and feelings and what not. Perhaps fearing that I will look upon his thoughts with disdain. Why this happened would be a long story (I have hypothesized why and ya let's just say a sequence of events). But I see that he too suffered from a present yet distant father, who never really gave my father support.

I can see that he's attempting to try. Today he bought me ice cream, he encouraged me about the interview, we talked at length about politics and Jews and America. But it still breaks my heart in a way because, well, you can see that he's expecting to be judged negatively by his own daughter.

How I want him to openly express all this without... fear and insecurity. How I wish he'd be more forceful more like those fathers in the movies, or at least the father of my friends...

but ya as the serenity prayer says, Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things that I can't change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

It really hurts me because I really want to look up to him. He used to be such a fierce figure.

That's what happens to a lot of fierce figures. My dad is 60 now.

I think after 50-55 a lot of these 'fierce figures' turn into softies.

It really... well it really shook me up. My pillar of strength, so dominant and stubborn, now just... well... I don't know what he is.

I was watching the "Perfect spy" some BBC series. And this one guy who had a father who was a con artist.

And he watched his father ruin the lives of innocent people. His father got hugely rich off the church and off of poor families, sending men into debt then suicide etc. And you can see that the boy is torn between loving his father and hating the man that ultimately destroys the lives of others.

Later on, he meets with his father - and his father, having hit a number of rough patches, asks his son for money. And he uses one of his lines he'd always used, on the son. The son looks at him, while the father sheepishly smiles, trying to retain his composure as a father, all the while his eyes glisten with the tears he's trying to fight back.

It was just heartwrenchingly painful... to see this man who had really fallen so far from his powerful position.

And later on the son talks to his wife...
and she was like "who was that?"
and he's like "no one... someone I knew from the past. He was a tiger then. But now he's just a ghost..."

And I knew that feeling. (even though of course, we had very different circumstances, my father is still an upright man).

I'd have to say that, while not as dramatic as in the 'perfect spy', many of our relationships with our fathers is just complicated...

I don't know what to do with this information.

But perhaps we can take solace that this isn't just happening to us, its to most of us. And to know that really no matter what our fathers really love us. And that is the starting point, isn't it?

My expectations must and will change. And to some extent, he'll try to adapt. That's the only hope.

I'm sorry if I can't end off too happy. It's a really sensitive issue for me and well a hard one for me to deal with...